The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire #96: Alexandra Auder
"About 15 years ago, I tried and failed to publish a version of this book. Over the decades it has had a few lives, and countless rejections, before finally getting published (when I was 50!)."
Since 2010, in various publications, I’ve interviewed authors—mostly memoirists—about aspects of writing and publishing. Initially I did this for my own edification, as someone who was struggling to find the courage and support to write and publish my memoir. I’m still curious about other authors’ experiences, and I know many of you are, too. So, inspired by the popularity of The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire, I’ve launched The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire.
Here’s the 96th installment, featuring Alexandra Auder, author of Don’t Call Me Home: A Memoir. -Sari Botton
P.S. Check out all the interviews in The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire series.
Alexandra Auder is a writer and actor. Her memoir, Don’t Call Me Home, about growing up in the Chelsea Hotel with a crazy mom, was a semi-finalist for The Thurber Prize for American Humor. She currently leads an online weekly writing group through Substack, and will be leading a writing retreat in Tuscany August 2nd-9th.
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How old are you, and for how long have you been writing?
I’m 54 and I’ve been writing my since I was a teenager. On and off. Probably more off than on.
What’s the title of your latest book, and when was it published?
Don’t Call Me Home (Viking, May 2023).
What number book is this for you?
First published book!
How do you categorize your book—as a memoir, memoir-in-essays, essay collection, creative nonfiction, graphic memoir, autofiction—and why?
It is for sure a memoir. It focuses on my childhood/coming of age in NYC of the 70’s and 80’s in an apartment in the Chelsea Hotel.
What’s the “elevator pitch” for your book?
“Alex’s life began at the Chelsea Hotel—New York City’s infamous bohemian hangout—when her mother, Viva, a longtime resident of the hotel and of Andy Warhol’s superstars, went into labor in the lobby. These first moment of Alexandra’s life, documented by her filmmaker father, Michel Auder, portended the whirlwind of childhood and teen years that would go on to have. Alex meditates on the seed glory of being raised by two countercultural icons. Flitting between the world of her past and her present-day life as yoga instructor, actor, mother, wife, and much-loved Instagram provocateur, Alex weaves a poignant and hilarious portrait of a family and what it means to move away from being your mother’s daughter into being a person of your own.”
I worked on this book, on and off, for over 20 years! I had first written some short pieces about my childhood in a writing in high school. My mother was a writer, she was always typing away in our little apartment in the Chelsea Hotel. We were a story-telling family. In 1994 I wrote a novel version of my childhood for my senior project at Bard College. After college, at an agent’s request, I slowly turned the novel into non-fiction.
What’s the back story of this book including your origin story as a writer? How did you become a writer, and how did this book come to be?
I worked on this book, on and off, for over 20 years! I had first written some short pieces about my childhood in a writing in high school. My mother was a writer, she was always typing away in our little apartment in the Chelsea Hotel. We were a story-telling family. In 1994 I wrote a novel version of my childhood for my senior project at Bard College. After college, at an agent’s request, I slowly turned the novel into non-fiction. About 15 years ago, I tried and failed to publish a version of it. Over the decades it has had a few lives, and countless rejections, before finally getting published (when I was 50!).
What were the hardest aspects of writing this book and getting it published?
The hardest aspect of writing the book was not giving up on it. It has so many different iterations and so many rejections that I almost didn’t take it out of the drawer it lived in, on-and-off, for the good part of a lifetime. In 2019, when my new agent, Marya Spence (Janklow & Nesbit), was helping me write the proposal, it was a nightmare trying to weed out the stories I wanted to use from all the previous drafts.
But this was also the most fun, because I started writing the “Now” sections from the perspective of a mature woman who is grappling with her identity as a mother/wife/daughter/sister. The publishing part was a true pleasure because I did feel it was well deserved after all the time I had put into it!
How did you handle writing about real people in your life? Did you use real or changed names and identifying details? Did you run passages or the whole book by people who appear in the narrative? Did you make changes they requested?
I honestly did not worry about it while I was writing. I knew I would not be able to let my mother read it before it came out because, to put it simply, she would go insane. Not that she didn’t go insane about the book once it was published—she did, of course. Once it was finished, I only let three people have a look before it was published: my husband, my daughter, and my sister. They were all incredibly supportive and had only very minor changes, if any, and I made them. Very inconsequential things.
I started to get nervous only when Viking’s lawyers went over the final draft. I was suddenly like: Oh, shit, here we go. They wanted some name changes, yes. Some men from my childhood that maybe could have gotten in trouble had I used their real names. I also changed a couple of names from my extended family, to avoid embarrassing them, though one cousin was still very embarrassed and upset with me for writing about what I felt was a fun time we had together as kids (involving us fooling around sexually).
Everyone else took it quite bravely and were very supportive and enthusiastic (at least to my face). Everyone, that is, except my mother, which was to be expected. She publicly decried the book (via Facebook) in what I felt was one of the (darkly) funniest moments of my life; I reposted her Facebook posts/reviews on Instagram, along with the vicious book-burning comments of her Facebook “friends” and I still get great pleasure from re-reading the whole thread (check them out on my IG page).
The hardest aspect of writing the book was not giving up on it. It has so many different iterations and so many rejections that I almost didn’t take it out of the drawer it lived in, on-and-off, for the good part of a lifetime. In 2019, when my new agent was helping me write the proposal, it was a nightmare trying to weed out the stories I wanted to use from all the previous drafts. But this was also the most fun, because I started writing the “Now” sections from the perspective of a mature woman who is grappling with her identity as a mother/wife/daughter/sister.
Who is another writer you took inspiration from in producing this book? Was it a specific book, or their whole body of work? (Can be more than one writer or book.)
Back in college it was Proust and then a little later, for another draft, it was Mary Karr’s The Liars’ Club. For the final draft, Patricia Lockwood’s Priest Daddy had the humor I connected with, and Priest Daddy was also the structural model for Don’t Call me Home. While I was writing, Karl Ove Knausgaard’s My Struggle and Edward St. Aubyn’s Patrick Melrose Series (I am still in awe of its savage brilliance!) both lived inside me; these series are autofiction and I love the way Knausgaard and St. Aubyn use so much precise dialogue in the stories from their childhoods. I also tried to recreate quite a bit of dialogue in my story.
What advice would you give to aspiring writers looking to publish a book like yours, who are maybe afraid, or intimidated by the process?
It IS intimidating! Don’t worry about the publishing process—just write the best book you can. Once you have a solid draft, celebrate!—and, well, then you enter the publishing world shit-show. Sometimes you have bum luck and it’s hard to find someone who is enthusiastic about your work. Don’t be thwarted by rejections! Keep trying, keep pushing, keep asking for favors. Meanwhile, start another book. Because it’s a loooooong process.
What do you love about writing?
There is nothing like when it’s really flowing. Getting the story on the page and discovering that it’s not at all what you imagined, it’s something else, and that something else is oddly surprising and uncanny. That said, most of the time it’s a slog.
What frustrates you about writing?
So. So. So. Slow. And domestic duties really thwart the process. And money. The lack of money is a real bummer. You have to somehow make money AND write. Ugh.
What about writing surprises you?
What I end up with is never what I set out to do.
Does your writing practice involve any kind of routine or writing at specific times?
Yes, I write between school drop-off and pick-up. I have organized my online writing group to fall between those hours. There’s a dog-walk in there too. And unfortunately, I find I must eat, which I find very annoying and time-consuming.
I started to get nervous only when Viking’s lawyers went over the final draft. I was suddenly like: Oh, shit, here we go. They wanted some name changes, yes. Some men from my childhood that maybe could have gotten in trouble had I used their real names. I also changed a couple of names from my extended family, to avoid embarrassing them, though one cousin was still very embarrassed and upset with me for writing about what I felt was a fun time we had together as kids (involving us fooling around sexually).
Do you engage in any other creative pursuits, professionally or for fun? Are there non-writing activities do you consider to be “writing” or supportive of your process?
I think living life is very supportive of the process, as life is the material. Listening to other people, observing, traveling, getting furious, becoming depressed, losing faith, blaming your family for the lack of time--it’s all part of the process. I lead artist retreats for a living, and I find they both slow down my process (planning them, selling them, conducting them) and keep me social and entertained.
What’s next for you? Do you have another book planned, or in the works?
I’m in the slog of a new book. Autofiction. I experienced great flowing narrative energy for the first 50 pages and now I’m in the weeds. I love leading my Tues-Fri, 11am-2pm Zoom writing group. I open every session by reading some passages from a book—a book from my shelf that calls to me, usually a writer writing about writing, and then I lead a short meditation, and then we just…try to write in the Zoom container, though we turn our screens off so we could be pleasuring ourselves for all I know. On Fridays, we use the last half hour to check-in with each other and/or hear some pages from a writer in the group. Seeing the other faces is a sweet reminder that others are out there doing the same thing. This (almost) daily practice keeps me at my desk during those hours and forces me to work or at least address the project at hand.
What an inspiring post. From Proust to Mary Karr—that’s quite a group of mentors!
Can’t wait to read it. Sounds like a blast rather instead of a blastoma. My beginnings were much more modest so my memoir was spared the lawyers’ assessment. But the “sensitivity screening” was equally repulsive though probably much less costly. I took neither the PC advice nor the unsolicited editorial suggestions. But good on you. You made it through. 💪🏼