The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire #59: Nicole Louie
"With Others Like Me, my goal was to make the lives of women without children visible."
Since 2010, in various publications, I’ve interviewed authors—mostly memoirists—about aspects of writing and publishing. Initially I did this for my own edification, as someone who was struggling to find the courage and support to write and publish my memoir. I’m still curious about other authors’ experiences, and I know many of you are, too. So, inspired by the popularity of The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire, I’ve launched The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire.
Here’s the 57th installment, featuring , author of Others Like Me: The Lives of Women Without Children. -Sari Botton
Nicole Louie is a writer and translator based in Ireland. Her essays have appeared in Oh Reader Magazine, The Walrus and The Guardian, and her collections of books, movies and podcasts about women who are not mothers by choice, infertility, circumstance or ambivalence can be found on Instagram: @bynicolelouie. You can learn more about her at: linktr.ee/nicolelouie
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How old are you, and for how long have you been writing?
I’m 41 and I’ve been writing professionally since I completed my BA in advertising and became a copywriter at 21.
What’s the title of your latest book, and when was it published?
Others Like Me: The Lives of Women Without Children was published by Dialogue Books in June and House of Anansi in November 2024. It’s now available in all English-speaking countries.
What number book is this for you?
This is my first book.
How do you categorize your book—as a memoir, memoir-in-essays, essay collection, creative nonfiction, graphic memoir, autofiction—and why?
Others Like Me is a braid of memoir, social commentary and anthology about the lives of women without children from all over the world.
The memoir passages are most prominent in the first section, called “Looking Back” and continue throughout the book in a vignette style, guiding the reader through the narrative arc.
The middle section, “Looking at Others,” nests the stories of fourteen women around the world, from different walks of life, who don't have children.
The third and last section, “Looking Ahead,” examines the consequences of widespread pronatalism by observing, among other things, how women without children are treated in the workplace, when in need of medical care, and how friendships can crumble when one of the women becomes a mother and the other doesn’t.
What is the “elevator pitch” for your book?
Others Like Me is the story of women without children around the world. It is also the story of why I had to find them and what they taught me. Part memoir, part exploration of childlessness through candid conversations, this book showcases the many ways in which women find fulfillment outside of motherhood.
The idea for Others Like Me came in 2009. There’s a passage in the book that encapsulates its back story perfectly: “Only in my mid-twenties and already married did I realize I had always thought of childlessness as a destination. I knew I wanted to go there, but I had never asked myself what would happen once I arrived. Now that the future of someone I loved would also be shaped by my intent not to have a child, it suddenly felt urgent to understand what it would be like not just to pass through but to live in that childfree place for the rest of my life…”
What’s the back story of this book including your origin story as a writer? How did you become a writer, and how did this book come to be?
After completing a BA in advertising in 2005, I studied literature and translation, which led me to work as a translator and creative writer for virtual assistants by day while writing poems and essays by night. I’d then reserve some time on weekends to submit the best pieces to blogs and literary magazines in Brazil and abroad, as I wrote in Portuguese and English.
The idea for Others Like Me came in 2009. There’s a passage in the book that encapsulates its back story perfectly: “Only in my mid-twenties and already married did I realize I had always thought of childlessness as a destination. I knew I wanted to go there, but I had never asked myself what would happen once I arrived. Now that the future of someone I loved would also be shaped by my intent not to have a child, it suddenly felt urgent to understand what it would be like not just to pass through but to live in that childfree place for the rest of my life. Back then, no woman I knew had lived or wanted to live without being a mother, so I inched closer to this life without motherhood in total darkness, relying solely on my intuition.”
It was that sense of isolation and not being able to see the lives of women without children that made me want to look for them, interview them, and then write a book about our lives. From research to the final draft, I worked on it for fourteen years.
What were the hardest aspects of writing this book and getting it published?
Knowing when to stop the interviews was very tricky. I wanted to ensure my sample of stories was big and diverse enough to illustrate the broad, nuanced and complex spectrum of lives without children. I kept looking for more nationalities, occupations, economic and religious backgrounds, sexual orientations… Five years and 33 interviews later, I understood I’d never be able to include every possibility. There are too many reasons people don’t have children and many ways to feel about it and to seek joy and purpose, so I stopped there and trusted I had enough material to contribute to the topic in a positive and meaningful way.
How did you handle writing about real people in your life? Did you use real or changed names and identifying details? Did you run passages or the whole book by people who appear in the narrative? Did you make changes they requested?
I changed the names and physical attributes of everyone I wrote about. When it came to letting them know they were in the book, I didn't follow one specific approach or do it at once. I told some people earlier on, sent them drafts, and asked for feedback and help with details and memories; others I only told when I had a publisher because I didn’t see the point of dealing with all that before knowing the book would be published.
I lived in several countries while writing this book, so there was a language barrier issue to handle. It wasn’t always possible to send the passages or the manuscript and ask everyone mentioned to read it and get back to me. So, I did what was feasible and tried to be as transparent as possible while reminding myself I had not set out to hurt or offend anyone I mentioned. I was simply writing what I had seen, heard, and felt, and which had somehow informed my decision not to become a mother.
Others Like Me is the story of women without children around the world. It is also the story of why I had to find them and what they taught me. Part memoir, part exploration of childlessness through candid conversations, this book showcases the many ways in which women find fulfillment outside of motherhood.
Who is another writer you took inspiration from in producing this book? Was it a specific book, or their whole body of work? (Can be more than one writer or book.)
Paradise, Piece by Piece by Molly Peacock felt like the first flashlight on that dimly-lit path I was following as a woman and writer who chose not to have kids. It was published in 1998, when Molly was close to turning 50, and reading about the life of someone who was constantly seeking creativity and placing it at the center of her life and who was no longer grappling with the motherhood question but enjoying life after her fertile years propelled me forward. Seven years after I found her memoir in a library in Sweden, she became my mentor. I dedicated Others Like Me to her.
What advice would you give to aspiring writers looking to publish a book like yours, who are maybe afraid, or intimidated by the process?
Choosing a topic that truly fascinates or matters to you is a good place to start so that when research gets tiring (and, if you’re doing your homework, it will), there’s enough curiosity left to sift through what you gathered in your bibliographical or field research. Next is a clear reason for writing that book about that topic and not something else — a clear goal. If you follow that arrow, content and structure will reveal themselves, and you’ll sculpt the material you collected along the way into the book you want to bring to this world. With Others Like Me, my goal was to make the lives of women without children visible. That informed its writing journey every step of the way and course-corrected me when I turned the wrong corners.
What do you love about writing?
I love the prospect of leaving behind something that might outlast the average lifespan of a human. Something that can be found and read a hundred years from now and beyond. That will carry a message with the exact words, cadence and pauses we chose to tell a story and be a bridge between humans across time. Marguerite Yourcenar said, "Leaving behind books is even more beautiful — there are far too many children." That resonates deeply with the reason I write and love writing.
What frustrates you about writing?
There’s this annoying phase that proved to be recurrent in some of my writing — usually the longer pieces. It starts right after I pick a theme to write about and then an angle. My heart is set, my mind is alert, I’m excited to start and can’t wait to see how I’ll do it and then… I don’t. I do everything but sit and write. For days, even weeks, I go for these super long walks for no reason, I start cleaning cabinets, I call a friend and chat for an hour, I waste time scrolling on my phone. I’ll avoid my writing desk like the plague without understanding why. At some point, I realize I am writing, but only in my head. Thoughts are forming, but very slowly, like tiny drops and it feels like an unsurpassable limbo, as I can’t understand why I’m wasting time and not writing things down. Then, one day, I wake up with an entire paragraph or page in my head and rush to the computer. That's usually when I know I’m ready to commit to that idea and give it my best shot.
What about writing surprises you?
I listened to BBC’s World Book Club podcast for years and was surprised by how seldom writers described their writing process in a similar way. Some would swear by the “write every day no matter what” method and impose themselves a word count or number of hours at their desk, while others would write only when they felt like it and however much they were able to that day; some claimed to hear their characters and “just write it down,” while others talked in mastermind terms and plotted every punctuation mark in their manuscript; some would only advance after editing everything they wrote the day before, others would only start editing after having a whole draft. It seems there are as many ways to write as there are to be a person, and maybe the only thing all writers have in common is the passion for sliding pen on paper.
Does your writing practice involve any kind of routine or writing at specific times?
No. I don’t maintain any routine that makes me feel forced to write and I have no attachment to the clock. Still, the writing buzz is always there, like a software running in the background of my mind. What I try to do is capture some of its activity when energy allows and after the bills are paid. I have spiral notebooks around the house, a Keep app note pinned on my phone for when I need to write something down quickly and a catch-all document where I store the loose thoughts and promising sentences that taunt me while I’m out with friends or having a shower. When I’m looking for the next thing to write, I open this now over a hundred pages long document, fish something out of it, paste it into a new document and work to develop it into something worth publishing, be it a poem, essay or book.
Knowing when to stop the interviews was very tricky. I wanted to ensure my sample of stories was big and diverse enough to illustrate the broad, nuanced and complex spectrum of lives without children. I kept looking for more nationalities, occupations, economic and religious backgrounds, sexual orientations… Five years and 33 interviews later, I understood I’d never be able to include every possibility.
Do you engage in any other creative pursuits, professionally or for fun? Are there non-writing activities do you consider to be “writing” or supportive of your process?
Not really. Not consistently. I can’t draw to save my life, I don’t play any instruments, and I love singing and dancing but don’t usually do it outside of celebrations with loved ones. The closest to it is flower arrangements. I dry every bouquet I’m given and do something with it. [While writing this, I felt I was forgetting something, and I was. Another creative pursuit? Yes! I’m an obsessive curator of synopses, images and quotes from/of books, movies and artwork by women. I’ve been finding and sharing these collections online for over ten years. First in blogs, then on Twitter, and now it’s on Instagram (@bynicolelouie)].
What’s next for you? Do you have another book planned, or in the works?
I do. I’m doing research for book two and knee-deep in that enervating phase, where I go for excessively long walks and clean the cabinets for no reason… I'm not quite ready to share beyond that yet, but maybe I’ll know more about where this new book is going after my next nap. :)
Thank you for sharing all these! They are so inspiring and I am really enjoying them since I found you!
This is the first of your interviews I’ve read. As a new memoirist myself, a writer friend brought your work to my attention. I enjoyed this and look forward to diving deeper into your content.