The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire #110: Melissa Febos
"I try to treat people in my work the same way I seek to treat them in life: with honesty and great care." PLUS, my video interview with the author.
Since 2010, in various publications, I’ve interviewed authors—mostly memoirists—about aspects of writing and publishing. Initially I did this for my own edification, as someone who was struggling to find the courage and support to write and publish my memoir. I’m still curious about other authors’ experiences, and I know many of you are, too. So, inspired by the popularity of The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire, I’ve launched The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire.
Here’s the 110th installment, featuring serial memoirist , author most recently of The Dry Season: A Memoir of Pleasure in a Year Without Sex. -Sari Botton
P.S. Check out all the interviews in The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire series.
Melissa Febos is the national bestselling author of five books, including Girlhood—winner of the National Book Critics Circle Award in Criticism, Body Work, and a new memoir, The Dry Season. She has received fellowships from the Guggenheim Foundation and the National Endowment for the Arts, and her work has appeared in The Paris Review, The New Yorker, The Best American Essays, Vogue, and The New York Times Magazine. She is a Professor at the University of Iowa.
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How old are you, and for how long have you been writing?
I’m 44 and I’ve been writing since the age of 9 or 10?
What’s the title of your latest book, and when was it published?
The Dry Season: A Memoir of Pleasure in a Year Without Sex just came out on June 3rd.
What number book is this for you?
Five.
How do you categorize your book—as a memoir, memoir-in-essays, essay collection, creative nonfiction, graphic memoir, autofiction—and why?
A memoir, or, if you want to be fancy, a researched memoir. It’s a memoir with research in it!
What is the “elevator pitch” for your book?
In my mid-30s, I had a terrible breakup and realized I’d been in nonstop committed romantic relationships since my teens. I decided to spend some time intentionally celibate. Soon, I was having the best time of my life. What began as three months became a transformative year, a year in which I danced and laughed unprecedented amounts, and also worked hard to change my own relationship to love and sex.
I also discovered a surprising lineage of role models who chose celibacy or other forms of divestment, and as a result led fascinating, creative, spiritual, politicized lives—like Hildegard von Bingen, the Belgian beguines, and a bunch of artists and radical folks across space and time. It’s really a book about falling in love with the world.
In my mid-30s, I had a terrible breakup and realized I’d been in nonstop committed romantic relationships since my teens. I decided to spend some time intentionally celibate. Soon, I was having the best time of my life. What began as three months became a transformative year, a year in which I danced and laughed unprecedented amounts, and also worked hard to change my own relationship to love and sex.
What’s the back story of this book including your origin story as a writer? How did you become a writer, and how did this book come to be?
I never intended to write about my celibate year, but, as has happened with all of my books, the subject eventually came calling. I have been writing since childhood, and writing has always been a space where I can think best, where I put down my secrets. Pretty much as soon as I found out a writer was something one could be, I wanted to be one. Make a life (and possibly a living) out of the thing I loved doing, that kept me sane?! I mean, obviously.
What were the hardest aspects of writing this book and getting it published?
Almost everything I write feels unspeakable before I write it. I write to find the words for my own experiences, and that was the case here, too. In the beginning of writing, I worried that writing book about being happy would be boring, but then I realized that in order to write about my celibacy I had to write about my history of love and there was plenty of conflict there.
I felt very protective of this book when it came to finding a publisher. I wanted to be sure they understood what the real project of the book was. I didn’t want it to be presented as a kind of, try celibacy and find love! situation. Even though I did find love afterward. The point of the book was how complete one can feel in solitude. I definitely believe the book found the right home.
Almost everything I write feels unspeakable before I write it. I write to find the words for my own experiences, and that was the case here, too. In the beginning of writing, I worried that writing book about being happy would be boring, but then I realized that in order to write about my celibacy I had to write about my history of love and there was plenty of conflict there.
How did you handle writing about real people in your life? Did you use real or changed names and identifying details? Did you run passages or the whole book by people who appear in the narrative? Did you make changes they requested?
I change almost everything that makes a person identifiable, unless I’ve gotten their consent. That feels fine to me. I am scrupulous about the precision with which I render the emotional truth, but not the concrete details per se. I want to protect the privacy of others as much as possible. I often do share the work with the folks implicated in it (usually, if we are still in an ongoing relationship), close to the end of the process. I don’t ask for permission, but I make space for their response, and I want to mitigate the hurt my work causes without compromising the big truths. I try to treat people in my work the same way I seek to treat them in life: with honesty and great care.
Check out my video interview with Melissa Febos:
Who is another writer you took inspiration from in producing this book? Was it a specific book, or their whole body of work? (Can be more than one writer or book.)
I actually integrated so many of my influences into this book. From Audre Lorde and Sara Ahmed to Hildegard von Bingen and Father Divine, Agnes Martin, Octavia Butler, Nan Goldin, Colette, Vincent Millay, Sappho, and many others. I made a list when the book was finished and there were close to 100 figures mentioned, mostly artists and activists and nuns—a lot of writers. In many ways, it is a book about lineage, about finding the trans-historical community that making art invites a person into. It is a book about rejecting the influences that I didn’t choose and finding the ones that I do.
What advice would you give to aspiring writers looking to publish a book like yours, who are maybe afraid, or intimidated by the process?
You don’t know how you will be changed by writing it, how differently you will feel once you’ve done it. Give yourself the chance to get there.
What do you love about writing?
Everything! Even the gory parts.
What frustrates you about writing?
Most of all, the toll it takes on my body. I want to get a setup where I can write lying on my back, so I can give my upper back a break.
What about writing surprises you?
So many things! That’s why I will never stop doing it (among other reasons). Writing almost never boring. My favorite is when something jumps out of me that was unknown to my conscious mind, but clearly I’d been carrying that knowledge inside until I accessed it through that weird art-brain channel.
I felt very protective of this book when it came to finding a publisher. I wanted to be sure they understood what the real project of the book was. I didn’t want it to be presented as a kind of, try celibacy and find love! situation. Even though I did find love afterward. The point of the book was how complete one can feel in solitude. I definitely believe the book found the right home.
Does your writing practice involve any kind of routine, or writing at specific times?
I’m a morning writer mostly. I have a treadmill desk. But I’m not precious about my process; I can write anywhere — I have written a lot on airplanes and in hotel rooms, and in my parked car.
Do you engage in any other creative pursuits, professionally or for fun? Are there non-writing activities you consider to be “writing” or supportive of your process?
My mental health is pretty high maintenance, so if I have hobbies they also double as mental health hygiene, like exercise, being a member of a bunch of recovery communities, meditation. But I also have a lot of fun doing those things. And reading. I am amazed by people who have other interests. I can’t get enough of reading and writing. I talk on the phone a lot. I spend a lot of time walking and talking on the phone.
What’s next for you? Do you have another book planned, or in the works?
I’m writing two novels and pretty excited to get back to them.
Another great questionnaire. Love especially, "Almost everything I write feels unspeakable before I write it. I write to find the words for my own experiences, and that was the case here, too." Yes!
Thank you for this conversation, Sari! I am a huge fan of Melissa Febos' work. Reading ABANDON ME when I was working on my first memoir gave me the courage to be much more raw and real. I can't wait to read her new book.... and yours!