The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire #5: Molly Roden Winter
"I tried to put the idea of writing a book out of my mind. But the idea just wouldn’t go away—and the 'obstacles' began dropping like flies."
Since 2010, in various publications, I’ve interviewed authors—mostly memoirists—about aspects of writing and publishing. Initially I did this for my own edification, as someone who was struggling to find the courage and support to write and publish my memoir. I’m still curious about other authors’ experiences, and I know many of you are, too. So, inspired by the popularity of The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire, I’ve launched The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire.
Here’s the fifth installment, featuring Molly Roden Winter, author of More: A Memoir of Open Marriage. -Sari Botton
Molly Roden Winter is a writer living in Brooklyn, New York. She is the author of the New York Times bestseller, MORE: A Memoir of Open Marriage. You can find links to her Substack and social media at mollyrodenwinter.com
How old are you, and for how long have you been writing?
I’m 51 years old, and I’ve been writing off and on for my whole life. But I only started to call myself “a writer” when I signed my book deal with Doubleday in 2022. Before that (and sometimes even now), I’ve struggled with Impostor Syndrome.
What’s the title of your latest book, and when was it published?
More: A Memoir of Open Marriage, published in January 2024.
What number book is this for you?
This is my first!
How do you categorize your book—as a memoir, memoir-in-essays, essay collection, creative nonfiction, graphic memoir, autofiction—and why?
It’s a memoir, which I sometimes need to remind people. Especially before they read it, people often assume I’ve written a how-to manual, or even a polyamory manifesto. But really, I just wrote my own story.
What is the “elevator pitch” for your book? (Up to one paragraph.)
MORE is about the surprising self-discovery that happened when my husband and I allowed each other to have sex with other people. It’s the story of a woman who feels confined by her roles (wife, mother, daughter) and is looking for a way back to her truest self.
In April of 2019, as I sat during my morning meditation, an idea came to me. I would write a memoir about open marriage—a story that would connect my own experience to my mother’s. I had only been practicing Transcendental Meditation for about four months, and this was the first (but not the last) time an idea, fully formed, came to me in this way. It felt somehow to be more than an idea—almost like a premonition.
What’s the back story of this book including your origin story as a writer? How did you become a writer, and how did this book come to be?
In April of 2019, as I sat during my morning meditation, an idea came to me. I would write a memoir about open marriage—a story that would connect my own experience to my mother’s. I had only been practicing Transcendental Meditation for about four months, and this was the first (but not the last) time an idea, fully formed, came to me in this way. It felt somehow to be more than an idea—almost like a premonition.
Although I’d been an English teacher for 15 years and a curriculum writer for 7 years after that, I did not consider myself a professional writer. Furthermore, how could I possibly write about such a personal experience when my own son (our youngest) wasn’t aware of my polyamorous lifestyle? How could I “out” my parents, who had kept their open marriage a secret for over 40 years? The obstacles were numerous and seemingly insurmountable. And so, I tried to put the idea of writing a book out of my mind. But the idea just wouldn’t go away—and the “obstacles” began dropping like flies.
What were the hardest aspects of writing this book and getting it published?
The hardest part was finding my voice. I completed my first full draft in the fall of 2020 and then made the rookie mistake of querying 50 agents. After a smattering of “no”s—amid a chorus of crickets—I pivoted to Plan B: writing a book proposal. I signed up for an online class with Sam Hiyate of The Rights Factory in Toronto. Sam immediately told me that he loved the idea for my book, but that I hadn’t told an actual story. I needed to start over.
I started over not just once, but several times. The “aha” moment came when I started to write in present tense. I had been holding myself at a narrative distance, critiquing my former self from the exalted vantage point of the present. What I needed to do was to fully embody my 35-year-old self, to tell my story as it is happening to her. Once I figured this out, I could feel the emotional truth that had been missing.
How did you handle writing about real people in your life? Did you use real or changed names and identifying details? Did you run passages or the whole book by people who appear in the narrative? Did you make changes they requested?
Early on, I decided that I wanted to use real names for at least four people: my mother, my father, my husband, and myself. Models of successful non-monogamous marriages are lacking in our culture, and I thought the power of our story would be diminished if we hid behind pseudonyms. Luckily, although my parents were nervous about it, everyone agreed.
I did change all the other names in the book, as well as many identifying details. But the only person who I ran the book past in terms of getting “permission” was my husband.
Early on, I decided that I wanted to use real names for at least four people: my mother, my father, my husband, and myself. Models of successful non-monogamous marriages are lacking in our culture, and I thought the power of our story would be diminished if we hid behind pseudonyms. Luckily, although my parents were nervous about it, everyone agreed.
Who is another writer you took inspiration from in producing this book? Was it a specific book, or their whole body of work?
There are so many. I feel like reading is a huge part of writing. I read Mary Karr and David Sedaris for inspiration on writing about family—the tough stuff as well as the mundane reality—with a combination of tenderness and humor. I read Sally Rooney to learn how to reveal the inner emotions of characters without ever talking about how they feel. I read Dani Shapiro for help on turning lived experience into a detective story.
What advice would you give to aspiring writers looking to publish a book like yours, who are maybe afraid, or intimidated by the process?
I would say to write your story as if nobody will ever read it. And then, if you later decide you really do want it in the hands of readers, get help wherever you can find it—books, workshops, communities of writers—and be ready to start over as many times as it takes.
What do you love about writing?
I love how writing helps me to understand myself.
What frustrates you about writing?
I get frustrated when I feel like I haven’t effectively communicated what I want to convey, and I can be impatient when I’m stuck. But these frustrations say way more about me than about writing itself. Writing isn’t the problem. It has a lot to teach me about remaining open and surrendering to the process.
What about writing surprises you?
Writing can be magical. I read Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear years ago, and I really believe that writing emerges out of collective consciousness. But it still surprises me every time I feel it happen in my own work.
As a memoirist, I do consider talking about my life with other people to be a form of writing. The other activity that is crucial to my process is meditation. I started doing Transcendental Meditation at the end of 2018, and my practice played a huge part in writing MORE.
Does your writing practice involve any kind of routine, or writing at specific times?
I think this may be unusual, but I’m an afternoon writer. I can’t get going first thing in the morning, and I run out of steam by 5:00. My most prolific hours of the day tend to be between noon and 4pm.
Do you engage in any other creative pursuits, professionally or for fun? Are there non-writing activities do you consider to be “writing” or supportive of your process?
I play guitar and sing in a duo, and I get a lot of joy from playing and harmonizing with my musical partner. The communal aspect of it is key for me—especially in contrast to the solitary nature of writing. But speaking of that, as a memoirist, I do consider talking about my life with other people to be a form of writing. The other activity that is crucial to my process is meditation. I started doing Transcendental Meditation at the end of 2018, and my practice played a huge part in writing MORE.
What’s next for you? Do you have another book planned, or in the works?
I am indeed planning another book, titled Metamour, which tells the next chapter in my polyamory journey. The story takes place between the spring of 2018 and the fall of 2020 and is focused around two of my metamours—the polyamory term for a partner’s partner. These two women (my husband’s girlfriend and my boyfriend’s wife) were initially sources of jealousy, but ultimately impacted my life in incredible ways. It’s a pretty wild tale, and I’m excited to be done promoting MORE so I can work on it in a more focused way!
I, too, write about topics that are rarely discussed. And I hide behind a pseudonym. Admitting that I’m an adulterer in the open would have severe consequences even though I’m divorced now.
I give Molly Roden Winter kudos to have the bravery to use her real name and her family’s story. That takes guts.
Love this interview and writer’s journey!