The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire #101: Ruthie Ackerman
"I use my personal story as the engine for a larger, universal story about how to unravel the narratives we are told we have to live by as women and mothers."
Since 2010, in various publications, I’ve interviewed authors—mostly memoirists—about aspects of writing and publishing. Initially I did this for my own edification, as someone who was struggling to find the courage and support to write and publish my memoir. I’m still curious about other authors’ experiences, and I know many of you are, too. So, inspired by the popularity of The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire, I’ve launched The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire.
Here’s the 101st installment, featuring , author of The Mother Code: My Story of Love, Loss, and the Myths That Shape Us. -Sari Botton
P.S. Check out all the interviews in The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire series.
An award-winning journalist, Ruthie Ackerman's writing has been published in Vogue, Glamour, O Magazine, The New York Times, The Atlantic, The Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Salon, Slate, Newsweek, and more. Her Modern Love essay for the New York Times became the launching point for her memoir, The Mother Code. Ruthie launched The Ignite Writers Collective in 2019 and since then has become an in-demand book coach and developmental editor. Her client wins include a USA Today bestseller, book deals with Big 5 publishers, representation by buzzy book agents, and essays in prestigious outlets. She has a Master's in Journalism from New York University and lives in Brooklyn with her family.
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How old are you, and for how long have you been writing?
47 (48 next month!) My earliest memory of writing was middle school – 6th grade to be exact!
What’s the title of your latest book, and when was it published?
The Mother Code: My Story of Love, Loss and the Myths That Shape Us, which was published TODAY, May 6th, 2025.
What number book is this for you?
It’s my debut!
How do you categorize your book—as a memoir, memoir-in-essays, essay collection, creative nonfiction, graphic memoir, autofiction—and why?
It’s a memoir. I use my personal story as the engine for a larger, universal story about how to unravel the narratives we are told we have to live by as women and mothers.
What is the “elevator pitch” for your book?
This is the hardest part, but here goes! The Mother Code is a book about how I heard the voices of what everyone else wanted for me, but could no longer know what I wanted for myself. Did I want a child? Or did I think I wanted a baby because everyone else told me I should? It’s about my quest to detangle myself from society’s conditioning, from the rigid cages that trap us all. Who says we can’t be mothers and make masterpieces too? Who says we have to be selfless and give all of our energy to our children to the detriment of our own identities? Who wins when women believe motherhood is an either/or proposition? Who says we all need to be mothers?
I tried writing many versions of this book, but each time I’d get stuck because I couldn’t see my way into the ending. One version of the book was about my relationship with my own mother. Another version was about my first marriage. Still another version was about my half-brother, Adam, who was born with a triple whammy of rare disorders. It was only once I had my daughter that I understood the full arc of what the narrator had to go through to transform or shift in some way.
What’s the back story of this book including your origin story as a writer? How did you become a writer, and how did this book come to be?
I tried writing many versions of this book, but each time I’d get stuck because I couldn’t see my way into the ending. One version of the book was about my relationship with my own mother. Another version was about my first marriage. Still another version was about my half-brother, Adam, who was born with a triple whammy of rare disorders. It was only once I had my daughter that I understood the full arc of what the narrator had to go through to transform or shift in some way.
I’ve been writing since middle school when I won a poetry contest in sixth grade. I used to create zines in elementary school and sell them to my friends for 25 cents each. I don’t remember not writing.
It was when my daughter was about three months old that I woke up in the middle of the night certain I knew the opening chapter of my book. A scene came to me fully formed: the moment when I introduced my daughter, who was only a few days old at the time, to my half-brother Adam via Zoom. That didn’t end up being the opening chapter, but it set me on the path to writing what became The Mother Code.
Another thing that surprised me was this: the writing I did in my 20s about my travels through Southern Africa ended up becoming the foundation of my book. I never knew what I was writing those pages for when I filled up those notebooks two decades ago, but they were so useful in reminding me of what “past Ruthie” was thinking and feeling.
What were the hardest aspects of writing this book and getting it published?
The hardest aspect of writing the book and getting it published was the constant drumbeat of messages I got that “fertility” books and “motherhood” books are hard to sell. I knew my book wasn’t a fertility book or a motherhood book. It’s just a book about a life that veers off course – and how one woman tried to make the decision about whether motherhood was right for her outside of what she believed everyone else wanted for her. But convincing editors of that was really tough.
How did you handle writing about real people in your life? Did you use real or changed names and identifying details? Did you run passages or the whole book by people who appear in the narrative? Did you make changes they requested?
There is a much longer answer to this, but here’s a snippet: sometimes I changed names and sometimes I didn’t. I tried to change identifying details where possible. There were times I ran sections by people, but that was mostly when I interviewed doctors and researchers and I wanted to make sure I understood the science correctly. On occasion, I made changes when requested.
By far, though, the hardest part was deciding which stories to tell about my family. My family never asked to be written about – and I’m sure if it was up to them I’d never have written a book at all. So I tried to be careful which stories I told. I didn’t want to expose anyone or make someone feel vulnerable unless there was a larger purpose to telling a specific story. Anything that was originally written out of anger or retaliation was pulled back. And I tried to show my own faults and flaws more than anyone else’s. In real life, there are very few monsters. So I tried my best to show everyone’s humanity. I may have missed the mark but that’s not for lack of trying.
The Mother Code is a book about how I heard the voices of what everyone else wanted for me, but could no longer know what I wanted for myself. Did I want a child? Or did I think I wanted a baby because everyone else told me I should? It’s about my quest to detangle myself from society’s conditioning, from the rigid cages that trap us all. Who says we can’t be mothers and make masterpieces too? Who says we have to be selfless and give all of our energy to our children to the detriment of our own identities? Who wins when women believe motherhood is an either/or proposition? Who says we all need to be mothers?
Who is another writer you took inspiration from in producing this book? Was it a specific book, or their whole body of work? (Can be more than one writer or book.)
Oh man, there were so many. Lyz Lenz’s Belabored, Amanda Montei’s Touched Out, Kate Manne’s Down Girl, Sheila Heti’s Motherhood, Julia Phillips’ The Baby On The Fire Escape, Dani McClain’s We Live For the We, and the anthology Revolutionary Mothering: Love On the Front Lines. And that’s just the beginning! I have an extensive bibliography and notes section at the end of my book that dives into not only the books, but the essays and individuals who inspired my work.
What advice would you give to aspiring writers looking to publish a book like yours, who are maybe afraid, or intimidated by the process?
You have to write the book you want to write. I had to believe in my book before anyone else did. No one was waiting to give me their stamp of approval. I had to prove to the world (ie. my agent and eventual editor) that my book was worthy. So often we wait for the high five or the thumbs up to move forward on a project. But the trick of being a writer is that no one is going to give you permission or tell you that your book must exist in the world except for you.
What do you love about writing?
It’s the only time that I truly understand how I feel. Through writing I can hear my unconscious speaking to me, which may sound woo woo, but I no longer think it is. In everyday life, we’re bombarded by the noise of the outside world and when I write I can hear what my own heart and mind are trying to tell me.
What frustrates you about writing?
The time and space it takes away from other things I love. If I’m writing, I can’t be going to the gym or taking a walk. If I’m writing, I can’t be spending time with my daughter or my husband or my friends. And how do I know if what I’m writing is worthy? How can I judge if what I’m writing is worth sacrificing time with the people and things I love? Writing is the big unknown. You have to give yourself permission to take up the time and space not knowing if it will ever become anything. I have so much to say about the difficulty of this both as a woman who has been told her whole life not to take up space, but also as a human in a capitalist society that believes every minute needs to be optimized and accounted for because time = money.
What about writing surprises you?
What I learn about myself.
Does your writing practice involve any kind of routine, or writing at specific times?
I am someone who needs to write first thing in the morning. I don’t get up at 5am or anything. But when I get up, usually around 7am, I have to roll from my bed to my desk, which is fairly easy since it’s just a few inches away. My only routine is that a hot cup of coffee needs to be sitting next to me. Sometimes a candle. But I could live without the candle. Not without the coffee.
The hardest aspect of writing the book and getting it published was the constant drumbeat of messages I got that “fertility” books and “motherhood” books are hard to sell. I knew my book wasn’t a fertility book or a motherhood book. It’s just a book about a life that veers off course – and how one woman tried to make the decision about whether motherhood was right for her outside of what she believed everyone else wanted for her. But convincing editors of that was really tough.
Do you engage in any other creative pursuits, professionally or for fun? Are there non-writing activities do you consider to be “writing” or supportive of your process?
I believe you don’t need to be writing to be writing. In fact, the more you sit down to write on a given day, the less your brain wants to write. It’s the law of diminishing returns. For me, it’s about “touching” the writing every day. Touching the writing can mean reading books that inspire my practice, listening to podcasts that help me connect the dots within my own writing, talking to friends who are good at batting around ideas with me, running, walking, going outside to breathe fresh air, looking at art, eating delicious food. Really anything that allows me to be intentional about who I am and what I’m doing in the world contributes to my process.
What’s next for you? Do you have another book planned, or in the works?
I have started writing two different novels, but I also feel pulled toward memoir again. Some of the strands of The Mother Code feel worth digging deeper into. I have a lot to say about the women in my family. I have a lot to say about the ways my half-brother Adam has fallen through the cracks. I have a lot to say about my own mother. But I also wonder if it may be easier to say the things I want to say in fiction. Will I reach more people? Is it easier to sell fiction? Will it not take as long? Hurt as much? To write about one’s life, you have to relive many parts of it. Maybe I don’t want to do that again. Or maybe excavating my life is just part of who I am and I need to do it just like I need to drink water and breathe air.
Ironic that Ruthie had such a hard time proving the worth/sell ability of a motherhood narrative—these are the books I crave and that are finally front and center in bookstores. Congrats Ruthie!
Happy publication day! As someone who made ‘unconventional’ decisions as a new adult, I look forward to reading The Mother Code!