The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire #66: Irwin Epstein

"You can’t write a book about friendship that ends your best and longest friendship."

Since 2010, in various publications, I’ve interviewed authors—mostly memoirists—about aspects of writing and publishing. Initially I did this for my own edification, as someone who was struggling to find the courage and support to write and publish my memoir. I’m still curious about other authors’ experiences, and I know many of you are, too. So, inspired by the popularity of The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire, I’ve launched The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire.

Here’s the 66th installment,

Irwin Epstein

, an academic and author, most recently of the memoir Men as Friends: From Cicero, to Svevo to Cataldo. -Sari Botton

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Irwin Epstein

Irwin Epstein is a Professor Emeritus at the City University of New York where he taught in the PhD Program in Social Welfare for many years. Author of several research texts targeted to social work and allied health practitioners, his most recent text is Clinical Data-Mining: Integrating Practice and Research, Oxford University Press 2009. Though it doesn’t sound like it, It’s occasionally funny and broke the New Yorker Cartoon barrier at OUP. An international health and mental health research consultant to countries from Australia to (New) Zealand, he recently received a medal from the University of Melbourne for his many contributions to health and mental-health research. Now semi-retired and a widower who lost his beloved wife Fran to her thirty-year battle with cancer, he’s become a memoirist.

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How old are you, and for how long have you been writing?

I’m 86 and have been writing for 60 years—but mostly professional, rarely personal.

What’s the title of your latest book, and when was it published?

Men as Friends: From Cicero, to Svevo to Cataldo (Koehlerbook, 2023)

What number book is this for you?

Possibly 10, but who’s counting?

How do you categorize your book—as a memoir, memoir-in-essays, essay collection, creative nonfiction, graphic memoir, autofiction—and why?

Memoir-in-essays about individuals I knew and one I still know.

This book was written mornings while my late wife Fran was still sleeping in her last year, and before I brought her breakfasts. Recalling funny and sad stories about men I’d loved and lost over the course of my life provided a pseudo-support group and a kind of mental life-saver to keep my head above water and focused on Fran and her needs while she was dying.

What is the “elevator pitch” for your book?

Neither a cautionary tale nor a polemic, Men as Friends is about a variety of male friendships with a variety of men. A “coming-of-old-age story,” it speaks to an audience of men who love or have loved other men but are too embarrassed to say so, opening the reader to the deep sadness of loss as well as the joy of its acknowledgement. Women like it too. And it has a terrific foreword by a famous psychiatrist. Also a terrific Kirkus review. I broke a barrier with them too and got them to change the word “tome” to “book.” Geez, it’s not a tome!

What’s the back story of this book including your origin story as a writer? How did you become a writer, and how did this book come to be?

This book was written mornings while my late wife Fran was still sleeping in her last year, and before I brought her breakfasts. Recalling funny and sad stories about men I’d loved and lost over the course of my life provided a pseudo-support group and a kind of mental life-saver to keep my head above water and focused on Fran and her needs while she was dying.

Order the book…

What were the hardest aspects of writing this book and getting it published?

Surprisingly, the book flowed like water from my memory to the keyboard to the written word. It helped to have a congenial editor work with me. Writing as an academic, I had no problems finding publishers; as a memoirist I was a rookie. My editor at Oxford University Press turned it down saying it was “too memoirish.” I pointed out they published a memoir entitled Avoid Boring People by one of the discoverers of DNA. He said I should return when I win a Nobel Prize in Science. I thought that was cheeky and that book boring. So, I coughed up some money for a hybrid publisher (Köehler Books) but found that to be an extremely positive experience during a very difficult time in my personal life.

How did you handle writing about real people in your life? Did you use real or changed names and identifying details? Did you run passages or the whole book by people who appear in the narrative? Did you make changes they requested?

I used real first names and ran into trouble before and after publishing. My sister wouldn’t read the manuscript because it has a chapter about my father. She has reason. My daughter won’t read it because it has a revealing but true sentence about her mother—my first wife. My son loves the book but said that sentence “stuck in his craw.” He’s a writer about rock music. He acknowledged that what I said in the book was true and agreed that he wouldn’t change something on his blog that a reader objected to. I remembered that one musician’s mother objected to a piece he wrote about people smoking pot at her son’s concert. He didn’t retract it. I’m glad I remembered that. Phew!

My oldest friend, who’s featured in the book, objected to a quote from him that I thought was pricelessly funny. I refused to remove the quote, though we argued about it for months. Finally, to save our friendship I kept the quote intact, but changed the surrounding sentences. You can’t write a book about friendship that ends your best and longest friendship. But as I pointed out to him, changing it to please him would turn my book from non-fiction to fiction. We’re still best friends.

Who is another writer you took inspiration from in producing this book? Was it a specific book, or their whole body of work? (Can be more than one writer or book.)

During the course of my writing, I was inspired by reading about the friendship between James Joyce and Italo Svevo, the Triestine modernist. I’ve always loved Joyce but the discovery of Svevo’s self-satirical voice and the story of their blossoming friendship touched me. Joyce “discovered” Svevo as an amateur writer (he ran a paint factory for submarines) while taking Italian lessons from him. When my old friend Lenny—a film critic—read my book, he said with great surprise, “You write like a writer!” That may be the only compliment I received from him in half a century. We still talk movies but he wouldn’t go near any of my research writings.

James Joyce and Italo Svevo. Source unknown.

My oldest friend, who’s featured in the book, objected to a quote from him that I thought was pricelessly funny. I refused to remove the quote, though we argued about it for months. Finally, to save our friendship I kept the quote intact, but changed the surrounding sentences. You can’t write a book about friendship that ends your best and longest friendship. But as I pointed out to him, changing it to please him would turn my book from non-fiction to fiction. We’re still best friends.

What advice would you give to aspiring writers looking to publish a book like yours, who are maybe afraid, or intimidated by the process?

I had two experiences with hybrid publishers. One told me they were very particular and would respond in two weeks while their Committee read my manuscript. They called me in one week to congratulate me but had only one question about my memoir—was it fiction or non-fiction? That ended that friendship.

But I had a wonderful and fun experience with John Koehler and Joe Caccaro, his literary editor, at a very difficult time in my life. And I loved working with John’s daughter their cover design person. The look of the book makes me very happy.

What do you love about writing? 

I just love words and playing with them. Le mot juste, is extremely important to me. Finding humor in life’s difficult moments and writing about them is essential to my survival.

What frustrates you about writing?

I don’t push it, so my book isn’t making much money. I’m not seeking another career. The writing was my joy and sustenance. Just yesterday I wrote a long letter to the New York Review of Books about a book entitled Is Art History? I’m not an art historian but I wrote I think interestingly about Breughel’s codpieces, Vermeer’s women and Fellini’s misogyny. I’d be happy if they published it, but the joy was in putting the ideas together in an amusing and insightful (at least to me) way. So I enjoy my own writing. It keeps me going.

What about writing surprises you?

What surprises me is how much I love using my literary brain and broader cultural interests now that I’m semi-retired. At the same time I just published what I think is a ground-breaking paper on data-mining randomized controlled experiments, co-authored with five colleagues from the University of Hong Kong. I’m still writing book reviews in my field.

Does your writing practice involve any kind of routine or writing at specific times? 

While Fran was alive I wrote before breakfast and stopped afterwards. Now I write after breakfast and stop when my carpal tunnels report too much traffic.

I had two experiences with hybrid publishers. One told me they were very particular and would respond in two weeks while their Committee read my manuscript. They called me in one week to congratulate me but had only one question about my memoir—was it fiction or non-fiction? That ended that friendship. But I had a wonderful and fun experience with John Koehler and Joe Caccaro, his literary editor, at a very difficult time in my life.

Do you engage in any other creative pursuits, professionally or for fun? Are there non-writing activities do you consider to be “writing” or supportive of your process?

I continue to write professionally with colleagues abroad and recently returned from conference speaking and my book launch in Australia and Hong Kong. In the Spring I’m going to Chile to do much the same thing. Not bad for 86.

When Fran died a very competitive “colleague” wrote to express his support by suggesting that I “move into a senior facility for ‘people like me’ where I won’t have to worry about shopping or meals!” I thanked him via email and said I’d consider it, as I thought a variation of “screw you pal.” He’s not a man I write about or consider a friend.

What’s next for you? Do you have another book planned, or in the works?

I’m giving serious thought to writing another memoir about letting go of toxicity while grieving. Though Koehlerbooks would love it if it was a manual, with 10 strategic suggestions at the end of each chapter, it won’t be. It will be non-fiction however. The “takeaway” might be “start writing!”

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Check out all the interviews in The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire series.