The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire #79: Samra Zafar
"My story is unfortunately the story of millions of women around the world, and I had to do my part to make a difference. "
Since 2010, in various publications, I’ve interviewed authors—mostly memoirists—about aspects of writing and publishing. Initially I did this for my own edification, as someone who was struggling to find the courage and support to write and publish my memoir. I’m still curious about other authors’ experiences, and I know many of you are, too. So, inspired by the popularity of The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire, I’ve launched The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire.
Here’s the 79th installment, featuring bestselling author, speaker and physician Samra Zafar. -Sari Botton
Dr. Samra Zafar is an award-winning international speaker, bestselling author, and resident psychiatrist. After escaping a decade of abuse as a child bride in Canada, she went on to pursue her education and became a global advocate for progress. Recognized amongst Canada’s Top 100 Most Powerful Women, Samra is a trailblazer, spearheading authentic belonging and wellness in organizations across the world. She combines scientific research with hard-earned life lessons to share courageous strategies that lead to bold results. Her speaking portfolio includes four TEDx Talks and speeches to leading corporations, non-profits, governmental agencies, and educational institutions. Samra’s work has been extensively featured in both Canadian and International media.
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How old are you, and for how long have you been writing?
I am 42 years old. I grew up in a small town in the United Arab Emirates (UAE), and went to a private British school. For me, creative writing was an outlet, an escape from the realities of patriarchy around me. I vividly remember a grade 11 creative writing assignment: I’d written a story about a young woman who wore jewelry in the shapes of snakes. I wrote that they suddenly came to life and they slithered up to her throat, strangling her. That story would be a grim foreshadowing for the next twelve years of my life, as I was forced into marriage to a stranger and sent to Canada as his teen bride.
During the marriage, writing became an escape from the abuse I faced, where I could lose myself in an imaginary happier world. When I fled the abuse after twelve years of marriage, and built a new life for myself and my two daughters, I knew I could not stay silent. My story is unfortunately the story of millions of women around the world, and I had to do my part to make a difference. That’s when I started writing and speaking professionally. Over the years, my work has grown to include a bestselling memoir and a soon to be released book about healing and unlearning limiting beliefs.
What’s the title of your latest book, and when was it published?
The title of my latest book is Unconditional: Break Through Past Limits to Transform Your Future, releasing today, Feb 18th 2025.
What number book is this for you?
Book number two.
How do you categorize your book—as a memoir, memoir-in-essays, essay collection, creative nonfiction, graphic memoir, autofiction—and why?
My first book, A Good Wife: Escaping the Life I Never Chose, is a memoir. My second book, Unconditional: Break Through Past Limits to Transform Your Future is an inspirational self-help book that offers a blend of stories and science to help readers unlearn limiting beliefs and live an authentic unconditional life.
After escaping an abusive child marriage and raising my children as a single mother, I thought my biggest challenge would be learning new skills. What I discovered though, was that my biggest challenge was unlearning the conditioning and beliefs that held me back from reaching new heights in my career, forming healthier relationships and living with freedom.
What is the “elevator pitch” for your book?
“In an inspirational, practical self-help book, bestselling author of A Good Wife, Samra Zafar, weaves together personal stories and research to share how she has broken free of beliefs that held her back, and how readers can too. After escaping an abusive marriage in her twenties with her two daughters in tow, Samra Zafar thought the biggest challenges she would face would be supporting her family, putting herself through school, working in the corporate world, and rebuilding a support system for herself and her daughters.
But she discovered the hardest challenge of all was within her own heart. Her childhood conditioning to criticize her every move paralyzed her from pursuing what she truly wanted, landed her in relationships that held her back rather than lifting her up, and constrained the way she wanted to mother her children.
Finally, when she couldn’t take it anymore, she sought help. In Unconditional, Samra shares everything she has learned, as a woman, physician and mother, about unlearning the harmful beliefs we store deep within ourselves. Through the hard work of digging out past trauma, unpacking faulty ideas that no longer serve you, creating healthier neural pathways, and embracing who you truly want to be, you can learn to love yourself—unconditionally.”
What’s the back story of this book including your origin story as a writer? How did you become a writer, and how did this book come to be?
After escaping an abusive child marriage and raising my children as a single mother, I thought my biggest challenge would be learning new skills. What I discovered though, was that my biggest challenge was unlearning the conditioning and beliefs that held me back from reaching new heights in my career, forming healthier relationships and living with freedom. As women, we are all conditioned to some extent by society, culture, religion, patriarchy and other gender inequitable structures that hold us back from living in our empowered truths. With this book, I share my journey of unlearning these beliefs, and offer proven science-based strategies to offer a roadmap for readers to do the same.
What were the hardest aspects of writing this book and getting it published?
The book is very personal, and I share many vulnerabilities in those pages which resulted in many emotional highs and lows. Having a good support system around me was crucial to help me ride those waves.
I had an incredible team and this book wouldn’t have been possible without them. My agent, Sam Haywood, believed in my vision and helped me curate and strengthen it. My editor, Julia McDowell and my co-author Kim Pittaway were a dream team to work with. I had published my first book with HarperCollins Canada, so they were the natural fit for my second book as well. I am very grateful to all of them for making this process so smooth and supportive.
How did you handle writing about real people in your life? Did you use real or changed names and identifying details? Did you run passages or the whole book by people who appear in the narrative? Did you make changes they requested?
I used changed names for most people, especially in my first book. In Unconditional (my second book), I have used changed names for people who I am not in touch with, such as from my childhood or early adult life. I also write about many incredible people who add much love and positivity to my life today, and I have included their real names with their permission. I sent them passages for approval and made any edits they requested.
As women, we are all conditioned to some extent by society, culture, religion, patriarchy and other gender inequitable structures that hold us back from living in our empowered truths. With this book, I share my journey of unlearning these beliefs, and offer proven science-based strategies to offer a roadmap for readers to do the same.
Who is another writer you took inspiration from in producing this book? Was it a specific book, or their whole body of work? (Can be more than one writer or book.)
Untamed by Glennon Doyle: this book inspired the structure of short stories to draw consistent themes in each chapter.
There were several research based mental health books I drew inspiration from, including The Myth of Normal (Gabor Mate), The Body Keeps The Score (Bessel van der Kolk); Good Morning I Love You (Shauna Shapiro); and many others.
What advice would you give to aspiring writers looking to publish a book like yours, who are maybe afraid, or intimidated by the process?
It’s natural to be afraid, especially when you are writing personal stories. Work with the fear, pay attention to what that fear is telling you. I’ve discovered that a lot of the fear I felt was because of the shame that society places on women who speak up and break the silence on abuse and patriarchy. And that shame doesn’t belong to us as women, it belongs with the people who subjugate and oppress us. Silence is the biggest ally of shame. And the more we speak up, the more we dismantle the shame and empower other women to rise with us.
What do you love about writing?
Being in the flow with my thoughts and feelings. My writing comes from a deep personal place, and it prompts me to seek answers within myself. I have my most powerful ah-ha moments while writing!
What frustrates you about writing?
I wish I could access that inner peace more often. Since my writing is so personal, I need to be in a quiet place of solitude to be able to get in the right mindset to write. However, my life is so busy with many responsibilities, I find it challenging to create the right environment for myself to write.
What about writing surprises you?
I think and reflect deeply about many life events, and naturally have ah-ha moments every day. However, the unexpected moments of insights that come up only while writing never cease to amaze me. Something about putting pen to paper draws out connections that I wouldn’t otherwise be able to make. For example, I was once journaling by a beach, and a vision flowed naturally out of me onto the paper—me getting onto a boat and sailing away from the beach into the expansive horizon, while all the people who have hurt me in the past are standing at the shore, disappearing into oblivion as my boat floats away. It was a powerful moment of letting go, of forgiveness, and moving onto a beautiful life.
Does your writing practice involve any kind of routine or writing at specific times?
When I am in nature, I feel a greater connection to my soul and the power of love that surrounds us. I find moments of solitude whenever I feel the urge to write. For instance, right now I am at a cottage in the middle of a snowstorm. There is a natural wood fireplace burning, while I look out the floor to ceiling windows to see the majestic snow blowing all around. It is like being in a heated snow globe—a perfect setting to write!
The book is very personal, and I share many vulnerabilities in those pages which resulted in many emotional highs and lows. Having a good support system around me was crucial to help me ride those waves.
Do you engage in any other creative pursuits, professionally or for fun? Are there non-writing activities do you consider to be “writing” or supportive of your process?
I am a nature lover. Hiking is very much like “writing” for me. I hiked the Camino trail last summer, covering up to 20 kilometers each day. The peace I felt during that month allowed me to reconnect with myself in a much deeper way, and planted seeds for my future writings. I came up with my third book idea on that hike, which I am excited to share with the world when the time comes!
What’s next for you? Do you have another book planned, or in the works?
There is a third book in the works, along the same lines of blending stories and science of healing and transformation. I am in the middle of completing my residency in psychiatry. As I progress in my training, I am excited to bring in more science in an accessible way for readers to implement in their own healing journeys.
45yo woman, based in the UAE, rooting for you Dr Samra!