Understood. After my wife died, I cut ties with my stepdaughter and her husband whose corporate-inspired shallowness, insensitivity and value differences made my life a living nightmare while my wife was dying. But while she was still alive I simply swallowed it. That was hard but she needed me too.
Shortly after when a dinner was suggested next time they’re in town, I declined saying I’m “unwilling to play happy family anymore”.
My therapist hadn’t suggested but supported that decision. Outsiders were shocked. On stage, we played it so well.
I’d wager that those of us who are still alive are happier for it. I made it clear that if any of their children ever reached out to me I’d be happy to respond. They haven’t. They probably won’t.
If I wanted “Happy Family” I could order it from any Chinese takeout. My only challenge is how to write about it in my next book.
I think you'll find the way to write about it. My daughter's husband hates me and we bristle whenever we are together. I spent too much time accepting attacks in my past lives, so I don't just smile and swallow. I'm sure something in me is toxic to him, too. Recently my daughter has been helping me with age-related stuff. She visits and we solve the problems. I love her and she loves me. But she has made it clear that if I need to move nearer family or friends, I won't be welcome near her. I was sad, because she and I really do talk as to no one else in our lives. And we feel that bond. But I accept her take on this, and agree. I will make other arrangements if or when.
It’s allot to live with. I made the choice to swallow when necessary and to cut as soon as I could. There’s comfort in that. No comfort in the victim role. Nor in writing a revenge memoir. It’s a fine line to walk but one I think I can. Resignation without renunciation. 🙏🏻🪷
A fine line, yes. Anger is good - you can mix in fury at the self along with fury at the others. Without revenge. It is, after all, you about whom you are writing. They could be anyone who stands between you and yourself.
Not just me. I had my wife’s feelings to think about. There was no place for expressing rage. She was dying. I didn’t want to act it out. When she passed, I could think for myself. That’s when I acted.
I just ordered the book! Congratulations, and thank you for shining a light on this topic. If your book tour ever swings through Chicago, I'd love to attend.
Good post! I also think it could be interesting to explore stories of estrangement from friends which can be just as, if not more, difficult as those within traditional families. Just a thought!
I am so glad you wrote this book, which I ordered yesterday! Going no contact with my mother (and brother) years ago was an act of heartbreaking heroism…to save myself. I am so eager to watch the Live you are doing 5/6 (the day after my 60th birthday) with the magnificent Open Secrets! ( I'm attending Rachel's writer's summit in NYC this Sat, actually). Thank you for using your courageous voice to educate and validate the experiences and complexities of estrangement .
this saddens me. I understand estrangement, but also the lasting impact this has on generations, a loss of heritage and identity. I did some work with the famed family therapist of the 80s, Virginia Satir, where this loss was brought home, how it affects all family members. Boundaries are important. Learning clear communication is crucial. Severing relationships--I have a hard time with this one.
I felt this in my bones and in my soul. I cut my father out of my life when I was 17. Decades ago. When he died and his sister phoned to tell me - I felt nothing. Not even relief that the thorn in my side had been removed. It took decades more before I could remove him from my shoulder - forgiving him allowed me to fully move on. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps others who might be on that path.
Excellent question. I forgave him for being who he was - and I did that before I found the wisdom to forgive myself. I’ve never thought of the forgiveness in terms of “saving myself”. Thank you for that. My forgiveness was more about guilt - for having caused a further rupture in our family life. My parents had divorced 2 years before I grey rocked my father. But in doing so, he, in his pathology of blame & guilt, stopped seeing my sister as well, hoping/believing that I would resume contact for her benefit. It didn’t work. It was long after my sister’s death that I was able to forgive myself. She told me before she died that I had “done her a favour” and it was years before I understood what she meant. Therapy got me there. Throughout all of this - I never had one moment of regret. I’ve always known I did the right thing.
Glad to see this. Congratulations on the book! Fascinating subject that comes up a lot in both my writing groups and my clinical practice as a social worker. I'm planning to come to Belmont Books tonight for your launch!
Grew up in the South. That “ Blood is thicker than water “ bs seemed to me, now that I’m in my late 60’s and living elsewhere, to be a wisdom accepted like it was gospel. You just didn’t question it.
Now, I’m much better for having questioned both. Life is too short for hugging up on a toxic relationship just because of shared DNA.
Found me at a timely crossroads, where I’m coming to terms with sibling estrangement. You’re right- nobody wants this but sometimes it’s the only way forward 🥺
This is powerful. And reassuring. I still feel some guilt about the estrangement I initiated from my father.
A couple of years ago he stayed at my place while he was in the area for his brother's funeral. We hadn't been under the same roof like that for 30 years.
With him present, all the feelings of inadequacy and shame came flooding back like an allergic reaction that requires an epipen. Instant and painful.
I asked him to read my memoir before it went public. I wanted him to understand our family system from a different perspective than his own. He refused.
I told him I'd be okay with moving on without him in my life.
He read it.
His text message when he'd finished said, "I read your book. There is nothing to talk about."
I did not reply.
The estrangement will continue until he is willing to acknowledge, maybe even apologise, for the abuse (yes dad, that's what it was) toward me throughout my life.
I've written all this and more about estrangement from my oldest son and two of my brothers in my memoir, My Last Stone, which is free here on Substack.
Thank you, Jenny and Sari. My decision was not to cut contact with my parents but only because I feared that action might unintentionally estrange me from my brother and his children and that would have been unbearable. I have only found real peace since my parents’ deaths.
Understood. After my wife died, I cut ties with my stepdaughter and her husband whose corporate-inspired shallowness, insensitivity and value differences made my life a living nightmare while my wife was dying. But while she was still alive I simply swallowed it. That was hard but she needed me too.
Shortly after when a dinner was suggested next time they’re in town, I declined saying I’m “unwilling to play happy family anymore”.
My therapist hadn’t suggested but supported that decision. Outsiders were shocked. On stage, we played it so well.
I’d wager that those of us who are still alive are happier for it. I made it clear that if any of their children ever reached out to me I’d be happy to respond. They haven’t. They probably won’t.
If I wanted “Happy Family” I could order it from any Chinese takeout. My only challenge is how to write about it in my next book.
Thanks for sharing this, Irwin. Blended families can be hard.
When cancer is added to the mix it takes enormous self-discipline mais je ne regrette rien. I can’t sing it but I’m trying to write it. 🤷🏼♂️🫶
I think you'll find the way to write about it. My daughter's husband hates me and we bristle whenever we are together. I spent too much time accepting attacks in my past lives, so I don't just smile and swallow. I'm sure something in me is toxic to him, too. Recently my daughter has been helping me with age-related stuff. She visits and we solve the problems. I love her and she loves me. But she has made it clear that if I need to move nearer family or friends, I won't be welcome near her. I was sad, because she and I really do talk as to no one else in our lives. And we feel that bond. But I accept her take on this, and agree. I will make other arrangements if or when.
PS I need this book, clearly!
Sounds very painful. So sorry. <3
We have each other and we love each other. That's the real gift.
It’s allot to live with. I made the choice to swallow when necessary and to cut as soon as I could. There’s comfort in that. No comfort in the victim role. Nor in writing a revenge memoir. It’s a fine line to walk but one I think I can. Resignation without renunciation. 🙏🏻🪷
A fine line, yes. Anger is good - you can mix in fury at the self along with fury at the others. Without revenge. It is, after all, you about whom you are writing. They could be anyone who stands between you and yourself.
Not just me. I had my wife’s feelings to think about. There was no place for expressing rage. She was dying. I didn’t want to act it out. When she passed, I could think for myself. That’s when I acted.
Yes, that was clear. But now it is you!
Yes and now I’m writing. 🤷🏼♂️
I just ordered the book! Congratulations, and thank you for shining a light on this topic. If your book tour ever swings through Chicago, I'd love to attend.
Thank you so much, Jean. We're looking into having an event around AWP next spring. Stay tuned!
That's great! I'll definitely be at AWP. Would love to see you there.
Good post! I also think it could be interesting to explore stories of estrangement from friends which can be just as, if not more, difficult as those within traditional families. Just a thought!
I am so glad you wrote this book, which I ordered yesterday! Going no contact with my mother (and brother) years ago was an act of heartbreaking heroism…to save myself. I am so eager to watch the Live you are doing 5/6 (the day after my 60th birthday) with the magnificent Open Secrets! ( I'm attending Rachel's writer's summit in NYC this Sat, actually). Thank you for using your courageous voice to educate and validate the experiences and complexities of estrangement .
Ordering this book. Thank you, Jenny and Sari.
this saddens me. I understand estrangement, but also the lasting impact this has on generations, a loss of heritage and identity. I did some work with the famed family therapist of the 80s, Virginia Satir, where this loss was brought home, how it affects all family members. Boundaries are important. Learning clear communication is crucial. Severing relationships--I have a hard time with this one.
I felt this in my bones and in my soul. I cut my father out of my life when I was 17. Decades ago. When he died and his sister phoned to tell me - I felt nothing. Not even relief that the thorn in my side had been removed. It took decades more before I could remove him from my shoulder - forgiving him allowed me to fully move on. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps others who might be on that path.
Did you forgive him? Or did you forgive yourself for saving yourself?
Excellent question. I forgave him for being who he was - and I did that before I found the wisdom to forgive myself. I’ve never thought of the forgiveness in terms of “saving myself”. Thank you for that. My forgiveness was more about guilt - for having caused a further rupture in our family life. My parents had divorced 2 years before I grey rocked my father. But in doing so, he, in his pathology of blame & guilt, stopped seeing my sister as well, hoping/believing that I would resume contact for her benefit. It didn’t work. It was long after my sister’s death that I was able to forgive myself. She told me before she died that I had “done her a favour” and it was years before I understood what she meant. Therapy got me there. Throughout all of this - I never had one moment of regret. I’ve always known I did the right thing.
Glad to see this. Congratulations on the book! Fascinating subject that comes up a lot in both my writing groups and my clinical practice as a social worker. I'm planning to come to Belmont Books tonight for your launch!
Grew up in the South. That “ Blood is thicker than water “ bs seemed to me, now that I’m in my late 60’s and living elsewhere, to be a wisdom accepted like it was gospel. You just didn’t question it.
Now, I’m much better for having questioned both. Life is too short for hugging up on a toxic relationship just because of shared DNA.
What an intrigued collection
I fully embrace this philosophy except I don’t see it as estrangement. I see it as self-preservation.
Found me at a timely crossroads, where I’m coming to terms with sibling estrangement. You’re right- nobody wants this but sometimes it’s the only way forward 🥺
This looks amazing. I'm also in your (family) of estranged souls. Can't wait to read it.
This is powerful. And reassuring. I still feel some guilt about the estrangement I initiated from my father.
A couple of years ago he stayed at my place while he was in the area for his brother's funeral. We hadn't been under the same roof like that for 30 years.
With him present, all the feelings of inadequacy and shame came flooding back like an allergic reaction that requires an epipen. Instant and painful.
I asked him to read my memoir before it went public. I wanted him to understand our family system from a different perspective than his own. He refused.
I told him I'd be okay with moving on without him in my life.
He read it.
His text message when he'd finished said, "I read your book. There is nothing to talk about."
I did not reply.
The estrangement will continue until he is willing to acknowledge, maybe even apologise, for the abuse (yes dad, that's what it was) toward me throughout my life.
I've written all this and more about estrangement from my oldest son and two of my brothers in my memoir, My Last Stone, which is free here on Substack.
Thank you so much for the vulnerability and for sharing a look into your experience!
Thank you, Jenny and Sari. My decision was not to cut contact with my parents but only because I feared that action might unintentionally estrange me from my brother and his children and that would have been unbearable. I have only found real peace since my parents’ deaths.