Mark, what a beautiful piece. As I have witnessed family members and friends transition, I have wondered how I would be as a parent to someone transitioning. Thanks for sharing your insightfully written essay.
Mark, as the parent of an 11yo trans kid: thank you for writing this. Our children need us to speak out and support them in telling their stories. I’ve been writing about my experience—and my son’s—and it’s so great to have another voice in the mix. Especially since you and your kid are farther down this path than we are.
I felt every step. At the end, I felt, not the relief you feel, but what I experienced after I had an emergency hysterectomy that saved - and changed my life forever. I have, medical warnings of thin bones notwithstanding - been far healthier and more peaceful since that surgery. My depressions, robbed of I guess estrogen, etc., vanished. The doctors "created" some of the missing parts, even though I had no ovaries, uterus, etc. left. I still had libido from god knows where. I was and am grateful. But at the same time, I recalled my surgeon-father's comment that often surgery is an admission of failure. Failure to solve problems without mutilating the flesh. I have two children, obviously born before my life-altering surgery. And I cannot imagine either of them hating their bodies/their selves so violently that carving the bad parts out felt like the way to go. Your article leaves me still wondering about all this. We are so very trapped in gender-thoughts. Isn't there another way out?
Cis woman here. Solidly cis. So I have no experience living in a body that doesn't feel like my own, or hinders (or breaks) my spirit. But I have been taught and opened by observing and loving trans folks in my life and in the world for the past, maybe 18 yrs? I remember the same sort of alarm, thinking about how awful and hormonal puberty was for me, living in my body that DID feel representative of my soul, (even though of course it wasn't the right size, shape, etc). But it isn't at all our business what a person needs to do, to feel like themselves. Speaking very broadly here, of course. Surgery of all kinds saves lives in so many ways. I am sure your father was highly skilled! And the way he viewed his work is the way he viewed his work. This is probably not the way surgeons who are providing gender affirming care, view theirs. And definitely not the way the folks who need this care, view their surgeries.
Thanks. But what you said simply was that I was wrong. Surgery saved my life so I am very aware of that aspect. I was probably not clear on my question: I was wondering if instead of body-mutilation we can address this gender question differently. Are our body-genders so potent we have to carve them up to live the lives we want and need? Or can we learn to live intact?
Sallie, can you bring this conversation somewhere else? This is a sensitive piece, and I don't want it to get hijacked by people debating the subject. Thank you. - Sari
Sallie -- I think your question is answered in Mark's piece. Yes, gender as expressed through one's body is so powerful that sometimes surgery is necessary to live the life one needs. Maybe reframe the idea of surgery as something that "carves" the body to something that makes it intact.
Sallie, I reread your original comment and response, and I realize that i am reacting viscerally and defensively to the words carve and mutilate, because I don't view this type of surgery that way. I think it was that that prompted me to reply to you (too quickly) in the first place.
When I first began thinking about this, i realized I had different emotional reactions to, say, elective breast-reduction surgery, and to mastectomies/possible reconstruction due to cancer, or any sort of plastic surgery elective or otherwise, than I did when i thought of a person born female having top surgery. Top surgery for a young adult person seemed so severe to me, whereas with friends who had breast reductions, I was happy for them to be able to make that decision to improve their daily life. Also, I noticed my surprise and mild discomfort when I was in a space with women who sported facial hair-- wispy or otherwise. And how immediate my reactions are still, when it comes to gender perception, even though my beliefs and values are to have an open mind and open arms. I am pretty good with pronouns when people offer, but i often forget to ask. I do encounter people regularly who seem solidly in the middle, where they are on their journey i do not know. And then I also think WOW! WHY do i want to place them on one side or another? Why do I need to know? Partially because I respond differently to women than to men, and I want to know how to respond so that I am safe? Am viewed as safe? Am welcomed? Am liked? Phew it is a lot. I think we all want to be seen, for who we are. And we all want to feel and be whole. I am sharing this just to say, I struggle with the answers here too. I have witnessed some pretty fierce joy and embodiment, post-surgery. Which has easily convinced me to keep letting trans folks show me what their path needs to be, in the world we are living in right now.
Intellectually and emotionally i think of gender (And sexuality) as a continuum but I still notice when someone doesn't fit my idea. So weird that I notice, but also, maybe so human in this society? And, (and i am asking myself all these questions here, not trying to chide) which parts of this feel violent? is it the way we as a society approach "the problem", or the way we approach "the solution" and which one is which? And what does intact mean, when you are living with any type of dysphoria? Anyway, I am 60y old, and I feel as if my heart is pretty open but dang if my brain doesn't have some deep deep ruts that I am trying to get out of. Thank you for pushing me to think through this further. I think yes our body-genders are extremely potent. Both in how we express ourselves and the way the world receives us. And I believe that more gender fluidity acceptance will make all of us safer, especially our kids. And I don't know how that happens as a societal shift either? But I do think that where we are now, we definitely need the medical arm of gender affirming care, which in my limited knowledge, consists largely of surgery and hormones.
This was so beautiful, it left me teary and celebratory that your child was able to become who they are and worried for those whose progress toward doing so is being dangerously hampered.
A beautiful piece. My observation is that younger people are already evolved past gender. We parentals are struggling with the limitations of how we were raised. I know trans kids now. My non-binary kid is dating one. All I hope is that all kids find some happiness in this life. It's hard being a human, harder when the government decides it needs to intervene in such private and personal choices.
Touching essay. Please keep us updated if the surgery has been all they had hoped for as the years pass. We don’t really know the long term effects. This is why there is caution with such a permanent decision.
Thank you for this graceful rendering of the very complex mission of loving paternalism in a world with limited tolerance of difference. Likewise, kudos to the NYU-Langone staff who continue being patient-centered despite heavy-handed federal cutbacks and administrative capitulation. That takes courage as well.
Mark, what a beautiful piece. As I have witnessed family members and friends transition, I have wondered how I would be as a parent to someone transitioning. Thanks for sharing your insightfully written essay.
Mark, as the parent of an 11yo trans kid: thank you for writing this. Our children need us to speak out and support them in telling their stories. I’ve been writing about my experience—and my son’s—and it’s so great to have another voice in the mix. Especially since you and your kid are farther down this path than we are.
Here’s my latest piece about our journey: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/trump-hitler-lgbtq-transgender-government-websites-erased_n_67ddf235e4b0c549954933c5
I felt every step. At the end, I felt, not the relief you feel, but what I experienced after I had an emergency hysterectomy that saved - and changed my life forever. I have, medical warnings of thin bones notwithstanding - been far healthier and more peaceful since that surgery. My depressions, robbed of I guess estrogen, etc., vanished. The doctors "created" some of the missing parts, even though I had no ovaries, uterus, etc. left. I still had libido from god knows where. I was and am grateful. But at the same time, I recalled my surgeon-father's comment that often surgery is an admission of failure. Failure to solve problems without mutilating the flesh. I have two children, obviously born before my life-altering surgery. And I cannot imagine either of them hating their bodies/their selves so violently that carving the bad parts out felt like the way to go. Your article leaves me still wondering about all this. We are so very trapped in gender-thoughts. Isn't there another way out?
Cis woman here. Solidly cis. So I have no experience living in a body that doesn't feel like my own, or hinders (or breaks) my spirit. But I have been taught and opened by observing and loving trans folks in my life and in the world for the past, maybe 18 yrs? I remember the same sort of alarm, thinking about how awful and hormonal puberty was for me, living in my body that DID feel representative of my soul, (even though of course it wasn't the right size, shape, etc). But it isn't at all our business what a person needs to do, to feel like themselves. Speaking very broadly here, of course. Surgery of all kinds saves lives in so many ways. I am sure your father was highly skilled! And the way he viewed his work is the way he viewed his work. This is probably not the way surgeons who are providing gender affirming care, view theirs. And definitely not the way the folks who need this care, view their surgeries.
Why are you chiding me? I am quite aware of all you have said. I have no quarrels here. Only questions. Are questions not "allowed?"
Oh- I am sorry. I felt like I was offering my experience as an answer (or part of an answer?). I apologize.
Thanks. But what you said simply was that I was wrong. Surgery saved my life so I am very aware of that aspect. I was probably not clear on my question: I was wondering if instead of body-mutilation we can address this gender question differently. Are our body-genders so potent we have to carve them up to live the lives we want and need? Or can we learn to live intact?
Sallie, can you bring this conversation somewhere else? This is a sensitive piece, and I don't want it to get hijacked by people debating the subject. Thank you. - Sari
apologies, for the hijack.
Of course.
Sallie -- I think your question is answered in Mark's piece. Yes, gender as expressed through one's body is so powerful that sometimes surgery is necessary to live the life one needs. Maybe reframe the idea of surgery as something that "carves" the body to something that makes it intact.
ah! love this.
Sallie, I reread your original comment and response, and I realize that i am reacting viscerally and defensively to the words carve and mutilate, because I don't view this type of surgery that way. I think it was that that prompted me to reply to you (too quickly) in the first place.
When I first began thinking about this, i realized I had different emotional reactions to, say, elective breast-reduction surgery, and to mastectomies/possible reconstruction due to cancer, or any sort of plastic surgery elective or otherwise, than I did when i thought of a person born female having top surgery. Top surgery for a young adult person seemed so severe to me, whereas with friends who had breast reductions, I was happy for them to be able to make that decision to improve their daily life. Also, I noticed my surprise and mild discomfort when I was in a space with women who sported facial hair-- wispy or otherwise. And how immediate my reactions are still, when it comes to gender perception, even though my beliefs and values are to have an open mind and open arms. I am pretty good with pronouns when people offer, but i often forget to ask. I do encounter people regularly who seem solidly in the middle, where they are on their journey i do not know. And then I also think WOW! WHY do i want to place them on one side or another? Why do I need to know? Partially because I respond differently to women than to men, and I want to know how to respond so that I am safe? Am viewed as safe? Am welcomed? Am liked? Phew it is a lot. I think we all want to be seen, for who we are. And we all want to feel and be whole. I am sharing this just to say, I struggle with the answers here too. I have witnessed some pretty fierce joy and embodiment, post-surgery. Which has easily convinced me to keep letting trans folks show me what their path needs to be, in the world we are living in right now.
Intellectually and emotionally i think of gender (And sexuality) as a continuum but I still notice when someone doesn't fit my idea. So weird that I notice, but also, maybe so human in this society? And, (and i am asking myself all these questions here, not trying to chide) which parts of this feel violent? is it the way we as a society approach "the problem", or the way we approach "the solution" and which one is which? And what does intact mean, when you are living with any type of dysphoria? Anyway, I am 60y old, and I feel as if my heart is pretty open but dang if my brain doesn't have some deep deep ruts that I am trying to get out of. Thank you for pushing me to think through this further. I think yes our body-genders are extremely potent. Both in how we express ourselves and the way the world receives us. And I believe that more gender fluidity acceptance will make all of us safer, especially our kids. And I don't know how that happens as a societal shift either? But I do think that where we are now, we definitely need the medical arm of gender affirming care, which in my limited knowledge, consists largely of surgery and hormones.
Yes, Nancy, can you move this conversation somewhere else? I don't want this to be a place where gender-affirming care is debated. Thank you.
Thanks for writing this beautiful piece. Wishing your family all the best.
This was so beautiful, it left me teary and celebratory that your child was able to become who they are and worried for those whose progress toward doing so is being dangerously hampered.
What a loving piece. May all trans kids have a parent as loving and supportive as you. I really appreciate the view of the timeline. Thank you!
Thank you so much for educating me and for inspiring me as a writer and as a parent. Beautiful piece!
A beautiful piece. My observation is that younger people are already evolved past gender. We parentals are struggling with the limitations of how we were raised. I know trans kids now. My non-binary kid is dating one. All I hope is that all kids find some happiness in this life. It's hard being a human, harder when the government decides it needs to intervene in such private and personal choices.
Touching essay. Please keep us updated if the surgery has been all they had hoped for as the years pass. We don’t really know the long term effects. This is why there is caution with such a permanent decision.
Beautiful, Mark! Happy and hopeful for them but anguished for all the young people who are or will be denied gender affirming care. Xo
Thank you, Deidre. Means a lot.
So proud of you Dad.
Mark! I love this piece. How fortunate you and your child are to have such a beautiful relationship.
Thank you for sharing your story—no doubt a map for parents who want to live their children fully for whoever they are.
This is beautiful. The love you have for your child is deep.
Beautiful piece. You're a good dad.
Such an honour to read. What a beautiful ending image.
Thank you for this graceful rendering of the very complex mission of loving paternalism in a world with limited tolerance of difference. Likewise, kudos to the NYU-Langone staff who continue being patient-centered despite heavy-handed federal cutbacks and administrative capitulation. That takes courage as well.