OMG!! You are me! I feel exactly the same way about birthdays! And have ALWAYS had these grandiose ideas of being surprised, made to feel special/spoiled, or taken places, etc. I had a great friend in my thirties who actually rose to the occasion for a few years, but she died at thirty-nine. Part of the feeling has to do with my trying to do the same thing for other people by sending them letters and presents from afar, or trying to do something special for them if they are close. And now I also have to plan my own birthday---or at least give my (great) friends dates to work with---and it still feels...just a little...icky. I love celebrating several holidays in the same way, but haven't found anyone on my wavelength. I'm a great friend and celebrator. So glad to hear you, at least, are out there.
Loved this essay and I REALLY related to it. I'm about to turn 42 and hoping I can carry your energy with me on my birthday. Thank you for writing this!
Jessie - Happy Birthday! I think I'm the odd one out in that I have loved my birthday from the beginning. I've had the benefit of being surprised well a couple times, thanks to my wife and good friends, but as I've gotten older, it's dwindled. And I've noticed that I've become a fierce protector of my birthdays, often planning them to my satisfaction with a series of smaller takes because I just didn't think a party would work for the reasons you mention. Maybe it's the introvert and only child coming out, but I've found more satisfaction is portioning out my day doing things in small chunks with people I love spending time with. Maybe one day we'll have the big bash we all would jump for, but until then, I'll make do with my small doses of joy.
I don’t really do birthdays any more but I have that expectation-disappointment pattern with New Year’s Eve celebrations. I always want it to be something spectacular and heartwarming but it never quite hits the mark. I need some kind of NYE epiphany like the one you had about birthdays.
You cannot know how timely your essay is! my b-day is in two weeks and I really really really wanted to celebrate with friends. But I have a checkered history of disappointment. Sound familiar? 50th birthday--told my then spouse, no surprise birthdays. Did it anyway. I was furious. 60th: invited four treasured friends to a coastal writer's haven. Two not only didn't think of getting me a card, they wouldn't come to the living room table (conversation more important), despite call-outs, to watch me open my one present. I was crushed. 70th--Covid squashed all. A psychiatrist friend told me the whole deal is wanting to feel special, like we were in childhood. My mom made b-days a big wondrous event. I wanted that feeling, that love. Well, yesterday, I came up with what looks like a solution: I invited 6 friends to a "hobbit-style birthday" where I spring for lunch and give THEM gifts. We're all writer-editor types and I have plenty of fun books to pass on. I predict a great great time by all.
This really resonated with me. I’ve had a hard time with birthdays for all the complicated reasons of aging, not liking being the center of attention, feeling like you, the parenthetical (am I worthy of celebration?) Reading this I am thinking yes yes life!
OMG!! You are me! I feel exactly the same way about birthdays! And have ALWAYS had these grandiose ideas of being surprised, made to feel special/spoiled, or taken places, etc. I had a great friend in my thirties who actually rose to the occasion for a few years, but she died at thirty-nine. Part of the feeling has to do with my trying to do the same thing for other people by sending them letters and presents from afar, or trying to do something special for them if they are close. And now I also have to plan my own birthday---or at least give my (great) friends dates to work with---and it still feels...just a little...icky. I love celebrating several holidays in the same way, but haven't found anyone on my wavelength. I'm a great friend and celebrator. So glad to hear you, at least, are out there.
What a lovely piece, Jesse, and so relatable.
Beautiful, and just so true. And appreciate the tangent (not tangent) about the "always killing it" mindset. Ugh. Thanks for this!
Loved this essay and I REALLY related to it. I'm about to turn 42 and hoping I can carry your energy with me on my birthday. Thank you for writing this!
Jessie - Happy Birthday! I think I'm the odd one out in that I have loved my birthday from the beginning. I've had the benefit of being surprised well a couple times, thanks to my wife and good friends, but as I've gotten older, it's dwindled. And I've noticed that I've become a fierce protector of my birthdays, often planning them to my satisfaction with a series of smaller takes because I just didn't think a party would work for the reasons you mention. Maybe it's the introvert and only child coming out, but I've found more satisfaction is portioning out my day doing things in small chunks with people I love spending time with. Maybe one day we'll have the big bash we all would jump for, but until then, I'll make do with my small doses of joy.
I don’t really do birthdays any more but I have that expectation-disappointment pattern with New Year’s Eve celebrations. I always want it to be something spectacular and heartwarming but it never quite hits the mark. I need some kind of NYE epiphany like the one you had about birthdays.
You cannot know how timely your essay is! my b-day is in two weeks and I really really really wanted to celebrate with friends. But I have a checkered history of disappointment. Sound familiar? 50th birthday--told my then spouse, no surprise birthdays. Did it anyway. I was furious. 60th: invited four treasured friends to a coastal writer's haven. Two not only didn't think of getting me a card, they wouldn't come to the living room table (conversation more important), despite call-outs, to watch me open my one present. I was crushed. 70th--Covid squashed all. A psychiatrist friend told me the whole deal is wanting to feel special, like we were in childhood. My mom made b-days a big wondrous event. I wanted that feeling, that love. Well, yesterday, I came up with what looks like a solution: I invited 6 friends to a "hobbit-style birthday" where I spring for lunch and give THEM gifts. We're all writer-editor types and I have plenty of fun books to pass on. I predict a great great time by all.
This really resonated with me. I’ve had a hard time with birthdays for all the complicated reasons of aging, not liking being the center of attention, feeling like you, the parenthetical (am I worthy of celebration?) Reading this I am thinking yes yes life!