Indeed, appreciating this piece. I see many folks who experience various marginalized statuses are ongoingly invested in networking with these bonds. Indigenous and other racialized people, international migrants trying to anchor in new countries, queer and trans people who often haven't had access to biological family supports, people with spectrums of disabilities. Folks who have more privileges are overdue for the reckoning this author calls for, as the human species altogether benefits from active practice of mutual aid through friendships. As a gender nonconforming person with multiple disabilities who's among many relying on peer connections as essential, I'll recommend that abled folks with sincere interest to connect in care webs, consider befriending disabled folks in your communities.
As Julia Watts Belser recently said in https://www.disabilitydebrief.org/debrief/fight-like-hell/ and many community activists have, "Disabled folks have hard-won knowledge...about how to navigate tricky environments, about how to respond to circumstances and adapt to limits. We’ve learned how to approach problems creatively. “Well, I can't do it that way. I'm going to have to do it this way.” That's a disability skill set that matters." To elaborate, Patty Berne has put it well in https://disabilityclimatechange.georgetown.domains/we-save-each-other/: "In the US, there’s this expectation that life should not be a struggle, that things will work out the way that we want. There’s this fantasy that everything will get better and better, easier and easier. I think that’s one of the things disability communities can offer: that we can struggle in grace."
I'm super grateful for this comment and for your naming of how we can all learn from disability activists and disabled folks who have long engaged in these systems of mutual aid, and for naming how queer/trans folks often don't have the same access to family supports. Indeed, some of my reading has shaped from this community has shaped my own thoughts and questions, e.g. the idea that some folks will always need more support than others. I will check out these resources. Thank you.
Prescient reminder that everything can change tomorrow. At 66, I'm taking out-of-my-bubble steps. Coffee with a new friend last Monday. An in-person chat with an old friend on Sunday. And on Tuesday, a dog walk along the river with a writing buddy. Thank you, Anne.
This really hit home and reflects the lack I feel in my life. I so deeply crave community and friendship - full of laughter, food, support and care. Pandemic and it's ravages on my health stripped away the few fragile relationships I had and has left me contemplating how do I do this differently? How do I build friendships in this apocalyptic world that are solid and lasting? Really appreciate this post!
Indeed. How? Sometimes a bit of trial and error, it seems... certain seasons I feel like my schedule is more open and it becomes a season of connecting, and others feel more isolating. But I feel like if we keep at it long enough over time, certain consistencies in patterns evolve... it becomes clear who is reciprocating and reaching out in return, who craves it intentionally to. Thank you!
I related to this so much. I moved to a rural area during the pandemic, at the same time most of my close circle moved. While I feel a closeness to the land, there is a longing for friendship and community that I haven’t experienced before. It has been especially hard to find ways to make friends in my 40s. Thank you for inspiring me to try again.
Thank you, yes, I hope you do. It is true that each age/stage of life brings its own challenges and it seems that the 30s and 40s are hard when so many are focused on careers and families. The pandemic brought so much great opportunity for online connection, but now I feel a deep need for more in person connection. Harder to do in a rural area perhaps, to find those people, but I bet they are out there.
Your heart-pen wrote the song my heart-heart sings/hums/sobs/ponders every day, and outlines much of my own story in a lifetime effort to cultivate True Friends.
If I could, I would come visit with a half-dozen eggs from my wee chickies to gift to you.
Ah, thank you! :) It is a lifelong cultivation and artform in a way. Reciprocity, vulnerability in reaching out, delight when others reach out in exchange (even if it isn't always the same others!).
I'm late to the conversation but I wanted to thank you deeply for this piece. I had the tab open for a long while, reading it and returning to it. Your message *vibrates* with truth for me, a middle-aged woman now going through a break-up from a long-term partner, someone I thought I might marry. I'm newly aware of how badly we need each other, and feeling compelled to be a connector to others in my life who are realizing the same thing.
Mar 7·edited Mar 7Liked by Sari Botton, Anne Liu Kellor
I was surprised, but then not when I thought about it, when so many people moved during the pandemic. And the same goes for 'unfriending' family and friends on social media due to heated political debates. And how social media, and the conveniences of our modern lifestyles has helped to contribute to a loneliness epidemic.
It's a multifaceted seven headed hydra. And I think it will take people taking control of their lives (or falling into luck) and creating the very communities they crave. I'm an American living in Cambodia and I've been an expat for since 2009. And that's what we do, we create FB groups (there are MeetUps in the States, I believe) and put ourselves out there.
There's an all-women's one where I'm at, and I've seen posts where women reach out, saying they need a friend, to make new friends, is anyone interested in forming a book club, going to dinner, or this event, etc, etc. There's even a 'to call list in case of an emergency'. And I formed my own group when I was in Thailand for women writers, so I'd encourage you to keep meeting folks and doing the same.
When I lived in the PNW, I found it isolating. Portland (or maybe it was the whole State?) had less churches (aka places of community) than any other place in America. It was voted by the Willamette Weekly to be the worst place for singles. My friend told me she had to leave PDX because there was a murder in her neighborhood every day. So, I sympathize, and I hope that more folks take back their cities or towns, and come together in peace and good spirit.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I do love how social media makes it more possible to reach out to many, and how this can translate into in person meetups. I do feel that what I'm looking for, besides those close ride-or-die friends, is a strong committed community that engages in regular exchange, one that many folks perhaps find through church. For those of us without faith-based communities, how can we create secular groups that nevertheless tap into the same depth of contact -- leaning into love, compassion, sharing of creativity and resources, and meaningful spiritual exchange.
I would imagine as a single mother that there were would play groups or activities centered around moms and tots, kind of thing. Volunteer work is another possibility or maybe book clubs, hiking, crochet, etc, I suppose, whatever your interests lie. Or is it lay? Perhaps think of it as a process and sometimes these things take time. When I tried to form a writers group, no one answered the call for a year, and by then I had forgotten about it. But when it did come together it was fantastic. xo
I understand your concern and agree with you...only one thought to add...I got to know a casual acquaintance thru my HHC work who was 85 then...we spent 2.5 yrs together and she died about a year ago..She was my soulmate friend mentor and such a character...and so intelligent clever and just...adorable..I never expected it nor was in need of it..yet it has become my most cherished of memories and my deep still overwhelming grief. O just was doing my work...and helping someone else...that's when it happens...when you don't see it comming!
Yes, I appreciate how your comment speaks to how we never know when or where we'll find a meaningful connection, and how people come and go from our lives. While it is so hard to say goodbye to brief strong connections, they can be just as impactful as longer ones, those special people that bring us joy and co-witnessing.
Yes! I’ve been feeling this for a while and as someone who grew up in different countries, I also feel there are cultural differences in how we cultivate friendships. It’s an endlessly fascinating topic and I’m glad it’s being written about more!
For sure there are cultural differences, thanks for naming that. I am curious what you have noticed for yourself if you feel like sharing more. Cultural differences, and regional differences in the U.S. too. In general it feels like we could all get out of our comfort zone and reach out to connect more with new friends, or to connect more deeply with old friends. It takes effort and time of course.... intentional prioritizing.
This is so spot on.. I have developed a small sisterhood as described after 10 years of longing for it. Started with a friend just before Pandemic and she was my Bubble friend. It is now a group of 4 . There is an article I recently bumped into talking about the shrinking of nuclear family sizes and thus a loss of the traditional extended members, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. History of some family lines fading out when choosing to be childless. Those end children will need to be creative in developing closer connections to non-related persons for their physical and mental well being. That is the point..mental well being depends on healthy connections. Loneliness and isolation is getting worse for many. It would be good to identify those who need connections or preparing them or ourselves or our single children to see that need to be filled in some safe and healthy way.
Yes, yes! Definitely true that many of us no longer have large or close families nearby to anchor us in a web of connections, and that all of this is critical for mental health. It's a muscle, a skill, to cultivate... in ourselves and our kids. How to be more earnest and vulnerable. To say, I like you. Would you like to be my friend?
I loved this article and I also live in the Pacific NW. I also work from home and make it a point to get out and socialize regularly, but my friend community has markedly decreased in the post-COVID years. Some friends have moved out of Oregon which changes the friendship; several have serious health concerns; and of course death reduced the number as well. And then some have just disappeared. I don’t know why they chose to end our relationship so I guess it’s like being ghosted. The hard part as I get older is finding new friends - I’m trying to find new ways to get out of the house and be social.
Thank you. I wish people could be more transparent when communicating when they need to go silent or disappear for a while; I don't begrudge people for not having time or the shared interest to hang out, but that feeling of being ghosted or not responded to is hard. Good luck!
Indeed, appreciating this piece. I see many folks who experience various marginalized statuses are ongoingly invested in networking with these bonds. Indigenous and other racialized people, international migrants trying to anchor in new countries, queer and trans people who often haven't had access to biological family supports, people with spectrums of disabilities. Folks who have more privileges are overdue for the reckoning this author calls for, as the human species altogether benefits from active practice of mutual aid through friendships. As a gender nonconforming person with multiple disabilities who's among many relying on peer connections as essential, I'll recommend that abled folks with sincere interest to connect in care webs, consider befriending disabled folks in your communities.
As Julia Watts Belser recently said in https://www.disabilitydebrief.org/debrief/fight-like-hell/ and many community activists have, "Disabled folks have hard-won knowledge...about how to navigate tricky environments, about how to respond to circumstances and adapt to limits. We’ve learned how to approach problems creatively. “Well, I can't do it that way. I'm going to have to do it this way.” That's a disability skill set that matters." To elaborate, Patty Berne has put it well in https://disabilityclimatechange.georgetown.domains/we-save-each-other/: "In the US, there’s this expectation that life should not be a struggle, that things will work out the way that we want. There’s this fantasy that everything will get better and better, easier and easier. I think that’s one of the things disability communities can offer: that we can struggle in grace."
I'm super grateful for this comment and for your naming of how we can all learn from disability activists and disabled folks who have long engaged in these systems of mutual aid, and for naming how queer/trans folks often don't have the same access to family supports. Indeed, some of my reading has shaped from this community has shaped my own thoughts and questions, e.g. the idea that some folks will always need more support than others. I will check out these resources. Thank you.
thank you too! your essay is great and inviting readers to a range of considerations; this commenting can bridge further to connect communities.
Prescient reminder that everything can change tomorrow. At 66, I'm taking out-of-my-bubble steps. Coffee with a new friend last Monday. An in-person chat with an old friend on Sunday. And on Tuesday, a dog walk along the river with a writing buddy. Thank you, Anne.
That's wonderful! So happy to inspire the reaching out.
You have no idea how much this resonates we me. I'm glad I'm not alone in this :)
Thank you, that makes me so happy. :)
Thanks - I needed to read this today ❤
You're welcome, glad to hear it!
This really hit home and reflects the lack I feel in my life. I so deeply crave community and friendship - full of laughter, food, support and care. Pandemic and it's ravages on my health stripped away the few fragile relationships I had and has left me contemplating how do I do this differently? How do I build friendships in this apocalyptic world that are solid and lasting? Really appreciate this post!
Indeed. How? Sometimes a bit of trial and error, it seems... certain seasons I feel like my schedule is more open and it becomes a season of connecting, and others feel more isolating. But I feel like if we keep at it long enough over time, certain consistencies in patterns evolve... it becomes clear who is reciprocating and reaching out in return, who craves it intentionally to. Thank you!
I related to this so much. I moved to a rural area during the pandemic, at the same time most of my close circle moved. While I feel a closeness to the land, there is a longing for friendship and community that I haven’t experienced before. It has been especially hard to find ways to make friends in my 40s. Thank you for inspiring me to try again.
Thank you, yes, I hope you do. It is true that each age/stage of life brings its own challenges and it seems that the 30s and 40s are hard when so many are focused on careers and families. The pandemic brought so much great opportunity for online connection, but now I feel a deep need for more in person connection. Harder to do in a rural area perhaps, to find those people, but I bet they are out there.
Your heart-pen wrote the song my heart-heart sings/hums/sobs/ponders every day, and outlines much of my own story in a lifetime effort to cultivate True Friends.
If I could, I would come visit with a half-dozen eggs from my wee chickies to gift to you.
Ah, thank you! :) It is a lifelong cultivation and artform in a way. Reciprocity, vulnerability in reaching out, delight when others reach out in exchange (even if it isn't always the same others!).
I'm late to the conversation but I wanted to thank you deeply for this piece. I had the tab open for a long while, reading it and returning to it. Your message *vibrates* with truth for me, a middle-aged woman now going through a break-up from a long-term partner, someone I thought I might marry. I'm newly aware of how badly we need each other, and feeling compelled to be a connector to others in my life who are realizing the same thing.
Thank you! Yes to the awareness that comes when we lose our longtime partners.
I was surprised, but then not when I thought about it, when so many people moved during the pandemic. And the same goes for 'unfriending' family and friends on social media due to heated political debates. And how social media, and the conveniences of our modern lifestyles has helped to contribute to a loneliness epidemic.
It's a multifaceted seven headed hydra. And I think it will take people taking control of their lives (or falling into luck) and creating the very communities they crave. I'm an American living in Cambodia and I've been an expat for since 2009. And that's what we do, we create FB groups (there are MeetUps in the States, I believe) and put ourselves out there.
There's an all-women's one where I'm at, and I've seen posts where women reach out, saying they need a friend, to make new friends, is anyone interested in forming a book club, going to dinner, or this event, etc, etc. There's even a 'to call list in case of an emergency'. And I formed my own group when I was in Thailand for women writers, so I'd encourage you to keep meeting folks and doing the same.
When I lived in the PNW, I found it isolating. Portland (or maybe it was the whole State?) had less churches (aka places of community) than any other place in America. It was voted by the Willamette Weekly to be the worst place for singles. My friend told me she had to leave PDX because there was a murder in her neighborhood every day. So, I sympathize, and I hope that more folks take back their cities or towns, and come together in peace and good spirit.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I do love how social media makes it more possible to reach out to many, and how this can translate into in person meetups. I do feel that what I'm looking for, besides those close ride-or-die friends, is a strong committed community that engages in regular exchange, one that many folks perhaps find through church. For those of us without faith-based communities, how can we create secular groups that nevertheless tap into the same depth of contact -- leaning into love, compassion, sharing of creativity and resources, and meaningful spiritual exchange.
I would imagine as a single mother that there were would play groups or activities centered around moms and tots, kind of thing. Volunteer work is another possibility or maybe book clubs, hiking, crochet, etc, I suppose, whatever your interests lie. Or is it lay? Perhaps think of it as a process and sometimes these things take time. When I tried to form a writers group, no one answered the call for a year, and by then I had forgotten about it. But when it did come together it was fantastic. xo
I understand your concern and agree with you...only one thought to add...I got to know a casual acquaintance thru my HHC work who was 85 then...we spent 2.5 yrs together and she died about a year ago..She was my soulmate friend mentor and such a character...and so intelligent clever and just...adorable..I never expected it nor was in need of it..yet it has become my most cherished of memories and my deep still overwhelming grief. O just was doing my work...and helping someone else...that's when it happens...when you don't see it comming!
Yes, I appreciate how your comment speaks to how we never know when or where we'll find a meaningful connection, and how people come and go from our lives. While it is so hard to say goodbye to brief strong connections, they can be just as impactful as longer ones, those special people that bring us joy and co-witnessing.
Yes! I’ve been feeling this for a while and as someone who grew up in different countries, I also feel there are cultural differences in how we cultivate friendships. It’s an endlessly fascinating topic and I’m glad it’s being written about more!
For sure there are cultural differences, thanks for naming that. I am curious what you have noticed for yourself if you feel like sharing more. Cultural differences, and regional differences in the U.S. too. In general it feels like we could all get out of our comfort zone and reach out to connect more with new friends, or to connect more deeply with old friends. It takes effort and time of course.... intentional prioritizing.
This is so spot on.. I have developed a small sisterhood as described after 10 years of longing for it. Started with a friend just before Pandemic and she was my Bubble friend. It is now a group of 4 . There is an article I recently bumped into talking about the shrinking of nuclear family sizes and thus a loss of the traditional extended members, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. History of some family lines fading out when choosing to be childless. Those end children will need to be creative in developing closer connections to non-related persons for their physical and mental well being. That is the point..mental well being depends on healthy connections. Loneliness and isolation is getting worse for many. It would be good to identify those who need connections or preparing them or ourselves or our single children to see that need to be filled in some safe and healthy way.
Yes, yes! Definitely true that many of us no longer have large or close families nearby to anchor us in a web of connections, and that all of this is critical for mental health. It's a muscle, a skill, to cultivate... in ourselves and our kids. How to be more earnest and vulnerable. To say, I like you. Would you like to be my friend?
I absolutely loved this piece. Thank you--it’s a gift!
Thank you for reading and resonating!
It made me think and realise how important our close social networks are. 😊
I loved this article and I also live in the Pacific NW. I also work from home and make it a point to get out and socialize regularly, but my friend community has markedly decreased in the post-COVID years. Some friends have moved out of Oregon which changes the friendship; several have serious health concerns; and of course death reduced the number as well. And then some have just disappeared. I don’t know why they chose to end our relationship so I guess it’s like being ghosted. The hard part as I get older is finding new friends - I’m trying to find new ways to get out of the house and be social.
Thank you. I wish people could be more transparent when communicating when they need to go silent or disappear for a while; I don't begrudge people for not having time or the shared interest to hang out, but that feeling of being ghosted or not responded to is hard. Good luck!