The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire #36: Heather McCalden

"The only voice you should listen to is your own. Everyone else can fuck off. "

Since 2010, in various publications, I’ve interviewed authors—mostly memoirists—about aspects of writing and publishing. Initially I did this for my own edification, as someone who was struggling to find the courage and support to write and publish my memoir. I’m still curious about other authors’ experiences, and I know many of you are, too. So, inspired by the popularity of The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire, I’ve launched The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire.

Here’s the thirty-sixth installment, featuring Heather McCalden, author of The Observable Universe: An Investigation. -Sari Botton

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Heather McCalden. Photo by Sara Hibbert

Heather McCalden is a multidisciplinary artist working with text, image and movement. She is a graduate of the Royal College of Art and has exhibited at Tanz Company Gervasi, Roulette Intermedium, Pierogi Gallery, National Sawdust, Zabludowicz Collection, Testbed 1, and Seattle Symphony. She has attended residencies at the Banff Centre for the Arts, Tin House, and the Mahler & LeWitt Studios. In 2021 she won the Fitzcarraldo Essay Prize. Her first book, The Observable Universe, was published in 2024, and is available through Fitzcarraldo Editions (UK), Hogarth Books (US), and Sigilo Editorial (Spain/Argentina).

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How old are you, and for how long have you been writing?

I’m 41 (yikes!), and I’ve been writing in some shape or form since high school. It’s only become “serious” in the last decade.

What’s the title of your latest book, and when was it published?

It’s called The Observable Universe: An Investigation, and it came out in March this year.

What number book is this for you?

One!

How do you categorize your book—as a memoir, memoir-in-essays, essay collection, creative nonfiction, graphic memoir, autofiction—and why?

It is a memoir in fragments, as well as a document that attempts to chronicle the cultural presence of the internet in our lives.

What is the “elevator pitch” for your book?

The Observable Universe is a prismatic memoir that refracts my personal experience of grief into three narrative strands. The first is personal and deals with the loss of my parents to AIDS in the early 90s. The second is a history of HIV/AIDS, and the third is a history of the internet. Tying these strands together is a look at the metaphor “going viral,” and the concept of metaphor in general, as way to process the world and its heartache. It is written in fragments to simulate the feel of collecting information through browser tabs, and to capture the impact of loss in an era of virtual and biological contagion.   

The Observable Universe is a prismatic memoir that refracts my personal experience of grief into three narrative strands. The first is personal and deals with the loss of my parents to AIDS in the early 90s. The second is a history of HIV/AIDS, and the third is a history of the internet. Tying these strands together is a look at the metaphor “going viral,” and the concept of metaphor in general, as way to process the world and its heartache.

What’s the back story of this book including your origin story as a writer? How did you become a writer, and how did this book come to be?

I was fortunate enough to attend the Royal College of Art in London for my master’s degree. While there I studied photography and performance, but I didn’t really fit in with the art crowd ­­– which was hard to stomach since art school is full of misfits. At any rate, while I was there, my most successful “artwork” turned out to be my thesis, so I was encouraged to pursue writing much more than artmaking. For about a year after graduation (2015) I was torn up about this. I had a nagging (and stupid) desire to legitimize myself by the definition of success imposed by my education – so I was still looking to “make art” and not write.

On a deep personal level, I was also struggling. I was depressed and knew it had something to do with grief and my parents. To feel better, I understood I’d have to deal with this experience, but also felt approaching it straight on might kill me. I could only touch the farthest edges of it all, which made me starting thinking about “going viral.” I thought it would be cool to make an installation about virality, viruses, and metaphor, but no visual imagery was presenting itself, so… I just kept writing. At the end of 2016, it was clear this project was actively resisting visual representation, and I had to have a come to Jesus moment with myself. I had to accept the fact that I was somehow writing a book. Once I did this, I worked on it pretty much daily until the summer of 2019.

At that point, I had a solid draft of the text, and was desperate to get out of London. The last three years had passed in a blur of writing, semi self-imposed quarantine and variety of odd jobs. I needed a change of scenery to feel alive again. When the opportunity to sublet a friend’s apartment in NYC came up, I knew I had to take it. The sublet period was Nov. 2019 – April 2020. Once COVID hit, I became stranded in New York.

I didn’t know what to make of this: it seemed like I had just spent years of my life researching and writing about virality, and now I was existing inside a viral pandemic? More quarantine? What? It took me awhile to get over this, so I didn’t do anything with the book until autumn 2020, when I began to excerpt the text for short story competitions, agent queries, and residencies. For a while it was looking grim, but to make a long story short: I ended up submitting to the Fitzcarraldo Essay Prize in spring 2021 and somehow won. The prize included a publishing contract with Fitzcarraldo, and a residency in Italy – which I used to edit the text in full (for first time since 2019). When the North American rights were acquired by Hogarth in 2022, I did another major edit, which took me into 2023… all of this is to say that apart from a brief stint in 2020, I’ve more or less had this book on my mind every single day. It’s been a wild ride!

Order the book…

What were the hardest aspects of writing this book and getting it published?

The hardest aspect was knowing the book was taking an unconventional shape that wouldn’t appeal to everyone. I had so many moments of doubt, like, should I be devoting so much of my life to this thing that people might be turned off by? But ultimately, I couldn’t let this stand in the way. I had to let the text do what it wanted. I can’t logically explain this, but it felt necessary.

In terms of getting it published, well, I’m genuinely shocked it’s made it to bookshops, and I’m just ever so grateful that independent publishers like Fitzcarraldo exist in the world.

How did you handle writing about real people in your life? Did you use real or changed names and identifying details? Did you run passages or the whole book by people who appear in the narrative? Did you make changes they requested? 

Most of the people I wrote about have passed. The ones living had their names and identifying details changed. In some cases, I shared certain fragments with people to make sure they felt comfortable with the text, and I was definitely open to any necessary changes.

The hardest aspect was knowing the book was taking an unconventional shape that wouldn’t appeal to everyone. I had so many moments of doubt, like, should I be devoting so much of my life to this thing that people might be turned off by? But ultimately, I couldn’t let this stand in the way. I had to let the text do what it wanted. I can’t logically explain this, but it felt necessary.

Who is another writer you took inspiration from in producing this book? Was it a specific book, or their whole body of work? (Can be more than one writer or book.)

There are so many! To narrow it down here are three:

Raymond Chandler’s The Long Goodbye and Farewell, My Lovely

T.S. Eliot’s The Four Quartets

Joan Didion’s The White Album

From Chandler I learned how to write about atmosphere and Los Angeles. From Eliot, the interweaving and presentation of references – and of course, poetry. From Didion, how to observe, and write like a human.

What advice would you give to aspiring writers looking to publish a book like yours, who are maybe afraid, or intimidated by the process?

The only voice you should listen to is your own. Everyone else can fuck off.

What do you love about writing? 

That it is the quickest and simplest way for me to access my own mind. I realize this might sound a little strange, like, why can't I just think & know what's going on in my head? But, I really can't. I need the process of writing, of connecting my head to my hand to a pen, to see what I'm feeling, and I love that writing allows me to do this.

What frustrates you about writing?

The amount of physical energy it requires astounds me. I often think it would be easier to train as a marathon runner than to write every day.

What about writing surprises you?

The courage it gives me.

Does your writing practice involve any kind of routine or writing at specific times? 

I am a huge fan of routines and have several to work around whatever parameters my day job might set. The routines involve hiding my phone in a drawer, consuming massive amounts of caffeine, and writing by hand. To me, typing involves a different mental process than manual writing, so I stick with a pen until the amount of material becomes untenable.

I realize this might sound a little strange, like, why can't I just think & know what's going on in my head? But, I really can't. I need the process of writing, of connecting my head to my hand to a pen, to see what I'm feeling, and I love that writing allows me to do this.

Do you engage in any other creative pursuits, professionally or for fun? Are there non-writing activities do you consider to be “writing” or supportive of your process?

Dance! I try to take one or two dance classes every week that are based on improvisation. I trained as a classical dancer growing up, and the desire to move has never left me. It’s a great contrast to the sedentary life of writing.

What’s next for you? Do you have another book planned, or in the works?

I’m trying to unearth the wonder we used to feel for the future. To do this, I’m researching the history of the synthesizer, as well as the history of electricity, to see what might, um, spark. I would be excited if this research became Book Two, but we shall see.

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Check out all the interviews in The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire series.