The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire #10: Lilly Dancyger
"If it was easy, it wouldn’t be worth doing. You’re not supposed to know what you’re doing at the beginning—you figure it out along the way. So just start."
Since 2010, in various publications, I’ve interviewed authors—mostly memoirists—about aspects of writing and publishing. Initially I did this for my own edification, as someone who was struggling to find the courage and support to write and publish my memoir. I’m still curious about other authors’ experiences, and I know many of you are, too. So, inspired by the popularity of The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire, I’ve launched The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire.
Here’s the tenth installment, featuring author of First Love: Essays on Friendship and Negative Space: A Memoir, and the founder of the original Memoir Monday newsletter. -Sari Botton
is the author of First Love: Essays on Friendship (The Dial Press, 2024), and Negative Space (SFWP, 2021). She lives in New York City, and is a 2023 NYSCA/NYFA Artist Fellow in nonfiction from The New York Foundation for the Arts. Her writing has been published by Guernica, Literary Hub, The Rumpus, Longreads, Off Assignment, The Washington Post, Playboy, Rolling Stone, and more. She teaches creative nonfiction in MFA programs at Columbia University and Randolph College. Find her on Instagram and here on Substack at The Word Cave.
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How old are you, and for how long have you been writing?
35, and I guess technically since I was 3 years old and used to narrate stories to my father, who would write them out in little handmade books with blank pages for me to draw my own illustrations. But professionally for about 13 years.
What’s the title of your latest book, and when was it published?
First Love: Essays on Friendship. It came out May 7 from The Dial Press!
What number book is this for you?
Either two or three, depending on whether you count the anthology I edited, Burn It Down.
How do you categorize your book—as a memoir, memoir-in-essays, essay collection, creative nonfiction, graphic memoir, autofiction—and why?
It’s an essay collection.
What is the “elevator pitch” for your book? (Up to one paragraph.)
Each essay in First Love is grounded in a close female friendship in my life, reaching outward to dissect cultural assumptions about identity and desire, and the many ways women create space for each other in a world that wants us small. Weaving personal experience with literature and pop culture—ranging from fairy tales to true crime, from Anaïs Nin and Sylvia Plath to Heavenly Creatures and the “sad girls” of Tumblr—the essays come together to tell the story of a life told through friendships, and an interrogation of what it means to love each other.
I feel like I truly became a writer through writing my first book, Negative Space. I had no idea what I was doing when I started writing that book, I just knew there were things swirling around in me that needed to come out and onto the page. The writing of that book took me over a decade, because I had to learn the fundamentals—to learn the “rules” of memoir, and to learn what interesting ways other writers had found to break those rules, and to find my place in that constellation.
What’s the back story of this book including your origin story as a writer? How did you become a writer, and how did this book come to be?
I feel like I truly became a writer through writing my first book, Negative Space. I had no idea what I was doing when I started writing that book, I just knew there were things swirling around in me that needed to come out and onto the page. The writing (and rewriting, and rewriting, and rewriting…) of that book took me over a decade, because I had to learn the fundamentals—to learn the “rules” of memoir, and to learn what interesting ways other writers had found to break those rules, and to find my place in that constellation. I had to push myself, painstakingly, to go beyond just telling the story of what happened and figure out how to articulate the deeper, messier stuff we call “emotion” and “meaning.”
Because I spent so long inside of that book, I was really impatient by the end to work on something else. So I really flung myself from that project straight into the next one, which became First Love. And First Love really grew as an offshoot of Negative Space, like a cutting off of a houseplant. It started with the things I had to leave out of Negative Space. I really struggled to write about my teenage years in Negative Space, because the way the story was structured and paced, I only had the equivalent of about a chapter to devote to that time. So I told myself, “It’s ok, save the rest for later.” I even left out one of my life’s big defining experiences, the murder of my cousin Sabina the summer before my senior year of college. I tried to include it, but it didn’t work—you can’t just drop a murder into the middle of a story and then move on. It was either going to take over, or have to be left out. So that, too, I told myself I would save for later. And those are the two main pillars of First Love: my cousin Sabina, and my teenage friendships. There wasn’t room for these things in Negative Space, but they got to spread out and take up space in First Love.
What were the hardest aspects of writing this book and getting it published?
The hardest parts were all of the points in the process where I had to articulate what the book was in a sales-y way…so the book proposal, the subtitle, etc. Writing the actual essays was honestly really fun. Parts of the process were hard, but in the way a good workout is hard. But that turning point from art to commerce is always an uncomfortable one!
How did you handle writing about real people in your life? Did you use real or changed names and identifying details? Did you run passages or the whole book by people who appear in the narrative? Did you make changes they requested?
I didn’t change any names. I’m really resistant to pseudonyms. I understand that there are cases where they’re necessary, like for legal protection. But it would have to be a legal necessity for me to ever change a name. I don’t like the leeway that the layer of obfuscation provides—it feels like there’s less pressure to be rigorous in your truth-telling if you’ve removed that external pressure of another party’s involvement. But I know this is a hot topic and lots of nonfiction writers feel differently! Or as a member of my writer’s group said when I expressed this opinion, “Your journalism degree is showing.”
I did run the essays in First Love by everyone included in them, though. There was only one small change that one person requested, and I made it gladly. This was a total reversal from how I approached my first book, which I didn’t show to anyone involved ahead of time. I’m actually working on a craft essay right now about why I changed my mind about this!
I didn’t change any names. I’m really resistant to pseudonyms. I understand that there are cases where they’re necessary, like for legal protection. But it would have to be a legal necessity for me to ever change a name. I don’t like the leeway that the layer of obfuscation provides—it feels like there’s less pressure to be rigorous in your truth-telling if you’ve removed that external pressure of another party’s involvement.
Who is another writer you took inspiration from in producing this book? Was it a specific book, or their whole body of work? (Can be more than one writer or book.)
The biggest touchstone books for me while working on First Love were Girlhood by Melissa Febos, The Crane Wife by CJ Hauser, White Magic by Elissa Washuta, Dead Girls by Alice Bolin, and How to Write an Autobiographical Novel by Alexander Chee. The Best of Brevity anthology was also really helpful when I started experimenting with flash essays partway through the process of writing the book—my essays were getting longer and longer, so I just wanted to reset by writing some super short pieces. I initially thought of them as exercises, but I ended up including a few in the book.
What advice would you give to aspiring writers looking to publish a book like yours, who are maybe afraid, or intimidated by the process?
If it was easy, it wouldn’t be worth doing. You’re not supposed to know what you’re doing at the beginning—you figure it out along the way. So just start.
What do you love about writing?
I love not knowing what I’m doing! I love that it doesn’t really get easier. That I start each new project like staring up from the base of a mountain that stretches up into the clouds, further than I can see.
What frustrates you about writing?
How hard it is to make a living. I love the actual work so much—it’s just the logistical stuff that pisses me off. And how little time I end up having to write, because I’m always busy doing other work so I can afford to write.
What about writing surprises you?
Once in a while, very rarely, I can sit down to start an essay and the whole thing just flows out smoothly, beginning to end. That’s always such a delightful surprise, I walk around in a good mood for days afterward, feeling blessed and lucky.
Does your writing practice involve any kind of routine, or writing at specific times?
My ideal writing practice is to have two (or even three!) consecutive days each week devoted to writing, where I don’t look at email or even think about other work and can really go all the way down the rabbit hole. I was able to achieve that for a good chunk of the time I was working on First Love, because I had an advance paying some of my bills. But most of the time I take what I can get. Sometimes that means one writing day a week, sometimes it means not writing anything for months and then holing up in a motel for three days and writing 20k words in one frantic burst, sometimes it means working on something for an hour at a time here and there. My routine is constantly in flux depending on what else is going on in my life and how much other work I have—but I am always striving for that ideal schedule.
Reading counts as writing. Going to museums counts as writing. Spacing out and staring at the clouds and thinking about writing counts as writing. Lying on the floor and not thinking about anything at all counts as writing. I am very much in favor of respecting the value of input—in the form of reading a ton and looking at art and getting outside and traveling and spending time with friends—as a necessary part of the creative process. And also giving your brain space to settle and become still enough for an idea to form.
Do you engage in any other creative pursuits, professionally or for fun? Are there non-writing activities you consider to be “writing” or supportive of your process?
Reading counts as writing. Going to museums counts as writing. Spacing out and staring at the clouds and thinking about writing counts as writing. Lying on the floor and not thinking about anything at all counts as writing. I am very much in favor of respecting the value of input—in the form of reading a ton and looking at art and getting outside and traveling and spending time with friends—as a necessary part of the creative process. And also giving your brain space to settle and become still enough for an idea to form.
I grew up doing ballet and have just recently started going to classes again after about a decade of hip problems and then hip surgery and recovery. It’s been really really wonderful. I wish I could go every day, but my schedule is too chaotic. I also love to draw, but just for fun.
What’s next for you? Do you have another book planned, or in the works?
I do… but it’s a secret!
Being a newcomer, I love to read the interviews and Author Questionnaire because it opens for me the inner life and technics of the creativity of others. It is like a Literary Institute, I never attended. Thank you, Sari. And congratulations on your new book, Lilly! It is so lovely to call a book about female friendship - "First Love."
Great to see Lily here! Congratulations on the new book, Lily and great post, Sari. And I am definitely "figuring it out along the way" so thanks for that.