The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire #16: Retired Gay Sailor Karen Solt
"I shine an honest light on the heavy toll NCIS witch hunts and Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell took on me and other gay Americans who donned our nation’s uniform from the 1980s through the early 2000s."
Since 2010, in various publications, I’ve interviewed authors—mostly memoirists—about aspects of writing and publishing. Initially I did this for my own edification, as someone who was struggling to find the courage and support to write and publish my memoir. I’m still curious about other authors’ experiences, and I know many of you are, too. So, inspired by the popularity of The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire, I’ve launched The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire.
Here’s the sixteenth installment, featuring retired gay sailor Karen Solt, author of the memoir Hiding for My Life: Being Gay in the Navy. -Sari Botton
Karen Solt is a retired US Navy Senior Chief Petty Officer who served as a gay sailor from 1984 to 2006, prior to and during Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. After hiding her sexuality from the world for most of her life, Karen considers herself a “Combat Hideologist,” and believes the way back to personal and global peace and freedom is for every human to come out from hiding and commit to living the truth of who they are. She holds a master’s degree in psychology (counseling), is an emotional health coach, and loves to help others discover and heal their own hiding places. Karen currently resides in Northern Arizona, where she and her new, young dog, Kai, chase squirrels, drink lattes, and watch over her feisty mother. She is the author of Hiding for My Life: Being Gay in the Navy.
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How old are you, and for how long have you been writing?
Eight years.
What’s the title of your latest book, and when was it published?
Hiding for My Life: Being Gay in the Navy. Pubished June 4, 2024
What number book is this for you?
This is my first/debut book.
How do you categorize your book—as a memoir, memoir-in-essays, essay collection, creative nonfiction, graphic memoir, autofiction—and why?
Memoir. It’s my mostly-chronological remembering of my 22-year career in the Navy as a closeted, yet highly successful and professional gay sailor. Some flashbacks from my childhood issues are also included, which inform many of the reasons I initially went into hiding and how I found myself joining the ranks of the military in the first place.
What is the “elevator pitch” for your book? (Up to one paragraph.)
Hiding who you are can’t help but alter the course of your life—and in some cases, it can even kill us or those we hold most dear. In this memoir of my 22-year career in the U.S. Navy, I am a highly successful retired senior chief petty officer who shines an honest light on the heavy toll NCIS witch hunts and Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell took on me and other gay Americans who donned our nation’s uniform from the 1980s through the early 2000s.
In early 2017, I had been retired from the Navy for 11 years when I had a moment of reckoning. After decades of fearing retribution for being gay while serving, I had slowly gotten used to being honest about being gay as a civilian. I was as “out” as I had ever been. Although fear was still deeply embedded in my body, much like exposure therapy, I chose repeatedly to tell people that “I’m gay,” instead of lying.
What’s the back story of this book including your origin story as a writer? How did you become a writer, and how did this book come to be?
I’ve always loved to write but most of my writing was done while I served as a Yeoman (administrative professional) in the Navy. Drafting, editing, and proofreading command correspondence was my every day normal routine. I found this skill to be beneficial, but military writing is much different than writing a memoir. Voice, tense, character development, arc, structure—these were all things I had to learn when I fell into the actual literary world.
In early 2017, I had been retired from the Navy for 11 years when I had a moment of reckoning. After decades of fearing retribution for being gay while serving, I had slowly gotten used to being honest about being gay as a civilian. I was as “out” as I had ever been. Although fear was still deeply embedded in my body, much like exposure therapy, I chose repeatedly to tell people that “I’m gay,” instead of lying. This gave me the impression that I had coming out figured out.
That belief came crashing down when, during an online forum, my gayness was confronted—by a friend who was giving me the “opportunity” to come out—and I lied. Because I didn’t feel safe, I felt blindsided, and in that one moment I dodged my truth and placed myself right back into the closet. It was a horrible feeling, experiencing my initial fear turn to shame, and I became physically ill for about a week. That was a turning point and, as I came out of that illness, I had an amazing moment of clarity. I could see why and when my hiding began, and also my methods of hiding. I could also see that we all hide.
That was the day I went into my office and began writing “everything about hiding,” which was a lot. Tens of thousands of words flew off my fingertips. At first, it was simply a purging, but then I started to organize it into a self-help book on the steps to come out from hiding. I worked on that book—on and off—for about three years.
In 2020, after moving back to my hometown to be with my mom after my father’s passing, I simply wanted/needed to write, so I joined a six-month online writing course. There were six other women taking the course, and I was trying so hard to discuss what I knew about hiding without telling them how I knew so much about it—i.e. discussing my trauma. Trying wasn’t working.
Here I was again in a moment of hiding, trying to spiritually bypass telling my truth. I knew the formula to coming out from hiding, yet I had some significant pain to still uncover and face, some of which I had never spoken about, not even with my closest friends. I wasn’t sure I could fall into the depths of fully telling my truth and find my way back out again. But I trusted that this was the only way through and once I started writing it all down, it wouldn’t let me go. This is when my “self-help” book became a first person present tense truth-telling memoir.
Once I committed to letting it all out, the writing took over my life. I would wake sometimes at 3am and begin again. Day after day, I wrote through the trauma that had kept me in an emotional and physical prison for much of my life. It wasn’t easy but getting it all out allowed me to stop running and be present with myself again. The book I needed to read so that I could be free became the book that I wrote. And it worked. In setting my story free, I was liberated from its grasp and could breathe again. I was truly healing.
What were the hardest aspects of writing this book and getting it published?
For someone who had been conditioned to stay in the closet to be safe and keep her job, exposing all my truth was scary and difficult. I wrote much of it in 2020 during Covid. I had recently returned to my hometown to support my mom after my dad’s passing. She moved in with me and was in her own deep grief. I was facing my own repressed grief and trauma and processing my own wounds. To top it off, my soulmate dog was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Life was rough but the writing gave me an avenue of expression and a place to process my feelings.
Reading my pages out loud—to anyone—was impossible at first. I tried to read my pages to the women in my writing course, and the most painful knot would seize my throat. I would begin to sob. It was horrible. But the other women were compassionate, present, and gentle, and my writing coach would take over reading for me. Little by little, as I faced and released my truth, I was no longer bound by the pain. Speaking about it got easier. The more I wrote and let it out, the less trauma I carried.
Lastly, sharing it with people who care about or love me and putting it out into the world has been an exercise in deep courage. I didn’t know how it would be received or if I would be safe. Again, I was dealing with my own perception of receiving repercussions for being gay. I felt strongly about getting it published, especially as it had such a freeing impact on me, but I struggled a lot with the finding-an-agent part of this process. Our world is so divided and I think my story is a tough one to champion as many see it as controversial or political, while I see it as a very normal human journey that hundreds of thousands of us went through. I was protective of my writing and, apart from advice from my big-hearted writing coach and a brilliant copy editor, didn’t want my words altered or changed. I just wanted to share my truth, especially in hopes that it would provide a voice for other gay veterans—really anyone who hides who they are to stay safe—so that they might also begin to find peace and freedom.
How did you handle writing about real people in your life? Did you use real or changed names and identifying details? Did you run passages or the whole book by people who appear in the narrative? Did you make changes they requested?
This depends on the person. As this book “outs” me, I wanted to make sure I didn’t do that to anyone else without their permission. Most of the gay people in my memoir have either read the entire manuscript or have seen the portion of the book where they appear on the page. A few asked me to not change their name, as the purpose of the book is to shine a light on the damages of hiding and come out. I kept first names for many and chose to change almost all last names to allow for privacy. One person has her full name because she specifically told me to leave it in. For a few people who I can’t or hope to never again have contact with, I did change full names and identifying details.
As far as changes, I made changes on things that were called out as inaccurate, such as the names of military bases—i.e. Naval Air Facility verses Naval Air Base—and I added in one paragraph that was very important for one close friend and one that made sense for me to add in. One other friend—and a gay man—asked me to not use a phrase (“people suck”) as it was offensive to him and reminded him of how he was bullied as a child, and I gladly took it out.
During an online forum, my gayness was confronted and I lied. Because I didn’t feel safe, I felt blindsided, and in that one moment I dodged my truth and placed myself right back into the closet. It was a horrible feeling, experiencing my initial fear turn to shame, and I became physically ill for about a week. That was a turning point and, as I came out of that illness, I had an amazing moment of clarity. I could see why and when my hiding began, and also my methods of hiding. I could also see that we all hide.
Who is another writer you took inspiration from in producing this book? Was it a specific book, or their whole body of work? (Can be more than one writer or book.)
Other than Serving in Silence by retired Colonel Grethe Cammermeyer, my favorite and probably the most well-known book (and movie) about being gay in the military, I couldn’t find another current gay veteran memoir that spoke to my experience. I’m inspired by truth-tellers, especially those who call out “systems” in an effort to show a collective experience through a singular lens. Although it placed a spotlight on a completely different system, Educated by Tara Westover had a huge impact on me. It gave me the courage stay the course as I stepped further out of hiding and into the unknown world of publishing. Glennon Doyle’s books have also been hugely instrumental in showing me what it takes to show up for myself and be expressive as an honest and vulnerable writer.
What advice would you give to aspiring writers looking to publish a book like yours, who are maybe afraid, or intimidated by the process?
I won’t tell anyone that this process isn’t scary or intimidating, but I would say this: If you want to be free, write your book. If you want to find perspective about your life, write your book. Don’t even worry about the publishing stage of it at this point. Just sit and write. See what comes up. See what needs to be seen, felt, heard, and expressed. It’s a long process and you will know yourself so much more intimately when you are completed with your first draft than you ever thought possible.
If you want to be free from your stories about your life, write your story. One page at a time. One event at a time. I think sometimes we worry too much about the publishing stage, so we don’t write our books. It took me over seven years—from self-help to memoir—to have a book ready to publish. I’m so grateful for all the healing that happened in these last seven years. Even if you don’t publish your book, write your book. You will have a new relationship with yourself and the rest of the world because you will be free from the story within you that needs to be seen—primarily by you.
What do you love about writing?
Writing is a form of therapy. I love that I find perspective when I write—mine and others’. Wisdom shows up and I can see things much clearer. I not only understand the things I did and the choices I made, but I can also see another’s perspective. I can see what a bind someone might have been in, why they made the decisions they did, and not take things as personally. I find compassion for everyone when I write. I see how we’re all stumbling around on Earth trying to figure out how to do this human-thing. It’s helped me to soften, within myself and toward others. I love how my writing has essentially helped me rediscover and find, well—me.
What frustrates you about writing?
Structure is my nemesis. My typical process begins with a great idea. I get excited to work on it, throw my laptop on my lap, and sit to write. Before I know it I’m frustrated. I have written pages of an unstructured great idea that is now all over the place. I have shelved more “great idea” essays than I’d like to count because of this. I also have plenty of essays/blogs that I’ve been able to mold into something I’m very pleased with, but it rarely comes without lots of edits and many revisions to find some semblance of structure. I also have chronic dry eyes—since the late 90s—so lots of editing can be painful for my eyes. You’d think a course on outlining should be a priority. And now it is.
What about writing surprises you?
How amazingly difficult it was. I mean, I spent 22 years in the Navy, which is by no means an easy thing to accomplish—but writing a book is the singular most difficult project I’ve ever completed. It might even be the thing I’m most proud of. From the beginning drafts to the final version, it was a beast. I had no idea. I’m surprised how much writing that book changed me, and a lot of that is because of all the blood, sweat, and oceans of tears that went into its creation.
Does your writing practice involve any kind of routine, or writing at specific times?
I’d love to tell you that I sit every morning for two hours with my hot yerba mate as the sun is rising, but that’s not me. I sit when I sit, which is typically a few times—up to an hour each—per day. Sitting for long periods is hard on my body, so I also move and get some exercise each day. My dog is either by my feet in his bed if I’m at my desk or curled up next to me if I’m on the couch, but he’s always close by. I am easily distracted so, other than his soft snoring and the sound of the fountain in my living room, I must have silence to write—no music, no phone beeping at me, no other people talking nearby. You know those people who go to coffee shops to write? Those ain’t me.
Once I committed to letting it all out, the writing took over my life. I would wake sometimes at 3am and begin again. Day after day, I wrote through the trauma that had kept me in an emotional and physical prison for much of my life. It wasn’t easy but getting it all out allowed me to stop running and be present with myself again. The book I needed to read so that I could be free became the book that I wrote.
Do you engage in any other creative pursuits, professionally or for fun? Are there non-writing activities you consider to be “writing” or supportive of your process?
I move in and out of writing and some days don’t even pick up my laptop. I spend most of my time with my dog. He’s the sweetest little guy, Kai, a rescue who joined me in September after my soulmate dog, Paco, passed in July. We live in the woods in the mountains and I enjoy taking walks with him and visiting with the kindest neighbors I’ve ever encountered. I like being creative by working in my yard and have become semi-good at not allowing my indoor plants to die. I even have a few orchids that are blooming again, which is a sentence I never saw coming. Audiobooks and podcasts keep me company as well. After so many years looking over my shoulder and dealing with some significant anxiety, I’ve found a mostly-peaceful life—meditating, moving around the world at a more chill pace, and living in a community where we truly watch out for each other.
What’s next for you? Do you have another book planned, or in the works?
“Next” is getting the book launched into the world and then doing some book readings and events. I will continue my share my passion—Hideology™—and keep spreading the message of the importance of coming out from hiding, in every capacity. I don’t really know where it’s going to take me, but I hope to be a person who can keep raising awareness about what our country’s gay veterans endured, so that their service is acknowledged and respected, just like every other service member. This was not something I ever thought I’d be doing, but I feel like I’m following the flow of where the Universe wants me. For now, I’ll do the next right thing...and then the next. Maybe someday I’ll get back to writing that “self-help” book, but then I’ll try and remind myself that writing a book is hard. I’ll also remind myself that writing a memoir freed me. I’m very grateful for that.
"Even if you don’t publish your book, write your book. You will have a new relationship with yourself and the rest of the world because you will be free from the story within you that needs to be seen—primarily by you."
Loved this advice.
Dear Karen, my deepest congratulations on publishing your honest memoir. I cannot even imagine, how many lives of gay people were completely destroyed by the political policy of the some stupid people in the power. There is still a law in Russia to send gays in the prison. Like Love is a crime and punishable because you love not opposite gender person but your own gender.