The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire #2: Lyz Lenz

"There is so much in the world that uses fear to silence you. Don’t comply. Don’t capitulate to the forces that would rather have you hide."

Since 2010, in various publications, I’ve interviewed authors—mostly memoirists—about aspects of writing and publishing. Initially I did this for my own edification, as someone who was struggling to find the courage and support to write and publish my memoir. I’m still curious about other authors’ experiences, and I know many of you are, too. So, inspired by the popularity of The Oldster Magazine Questionnaire, I’ve launched The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire.

Here’s the second installment, featuring

lyz

Lenz, author of the new memoir, This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life, who writes the newsletter

Men Yell at Me

. -Sari Botton

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Lyz Lenz. Portrait by Klicks Photography.

Lyz Lenz is an author and journalist living in Iowa with her two kids and two dogs. She also writes the newsletter “Men Yell at Me” about personhood and politics in red state America.

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How old are you, and for how long have you been writing?

41. I’ve been writing since I could spell (age 4). But I’ve been writing professionally since 22.

What’s the title of your latest book, and when was it published?

This American Ex-Wife, February 20, 2024.

What number book is this for you?

THREE! If you count the original audiobook, it’s number four.

How do you categorize your book—as a memoir, memoir-in-essays, essay collection, creative nonfiction, graphic memoir, autofiction—and why?

I consider my work hybrid memoir and journalism. You could just call that creative non-fiction. Or memoir. Or whatever you want. Marketing is for the marketers.

I wrote this book because after my divorce I expected to be one of those overworked harried single mothers. But instead, I found myself poorer, yes, but happier and with more free time and a cleaner home. And I realized that marriage, which had been sold to me as this beautiful thing, had been a trap.

What is the “elevator pitch” for your book?

In this exuberant and unapologetic book, I make an argument for the advantages of getting divorced, framing it as a practical and effective solution for women to take back the power they are owed. Weaving reportage with sociological research and literature with popular culture along with personal stories of coming together and breaking up, I create a kaleidoscopic and poignant portrait of American marriage today. I argue that the mechanisms of American power, justice, love, and gender equality remain deeply flawed, and that marriage, like any other cultural institution, is due for a reckoning. A raucous argument for acceptance, solidarity, and collective female refusal, This American Ex-Wife takes readers on a riveting ride—while pointing us all toward a life that is a little more free.

What’s the back story of this book including your origin story as a writer? How did you become a writer, and how did this book come to be?

I wrote this book because after my divorce I expected to be one of those overworked harried single mothers. But instead, I found myself poorer, yes, but happier and with more free time and a cleaner home. And I realized that marriage, which had been sold to me as this beautiful thing, had been a trap. I’d been performing uncompensated and unrecognized labor for twelve years in order to build a happy life. I’d been told that to have a meaningful life I needed to sacrifice myself on this pyre of home and family. But it was only when I took myself off that cross, that I was actually happy. So, I wanted to explore the personal, cultural, and political forces that force women into marriage and then trap them there. And I wanted to argue that our happiness is not frivolous.

I became a writer after my dreams of being a lawyer fizzled out because I didn’t have a ride to the LSATS. I was broke in college with no car and I was relying on a family member for a ride. But two weeks before the test, one of my sisters told the family that she’d been the victim of an assault at the hands of another family member. And that revelation tore my family apart. Or, it revealed the tears we’d pretended weren’t there. And I never got that ride. I did get a ride to the GRE but I sobbed through the test and did really poorly.

In the middle of all of that, I had been writing for my college newspaper and one of my columns was published in a textbook. Writing made sense to me and I was good at it. So, as my world collapsed around me, I hung onto the thing I was good at. The thing that made me me. I got married and moved to Iowa and just wrote and wrote. I’d write for crappy little blogs and marketing companies, I even ghostwrote op-eds. I had a million weird jobs as an editor at a taekwondo magazine and a copy editor at a trade publication. And over time, I got better and better.

At the time, I was just doing what I could do. Clinging to the things that made sense. I understand now that is how we save our own lives, by holding fast to those fundamental parts of ourselves. Refusing to let them go. Years later, when my marriage was in trouble my husband at the time asked me to stop writing to focus on us. I couldn’t. Because to stop writing was to stop being me.

I held fast to it again then too. I lost my marriage, but kept myself.

When my marriage was in trouble my husband at the time asked me to stop writing to focus on us. I couldn’t. Because to stop writing was to stop being me…I lost my marriage, but kept myself.

What were the hardest aspects of writing this book and getting it published?

The hardest part of writing this book was living through the thing I wrote about, my divorce. Getting to the other side, finding peace and happiness, made the process of writing this book joyful and fun. And it was fun. My first two books, I received barely any advance and was so broke while I was writing them, I was working all these small side jobs that never paid on time. And I had to write them in these stolen moments and I was exhausted and stressed out and worried that I couldn’t buy my kids milk.

But with This American Ex-Wife it was so different. First of all, I got an amazing advance that let me have time to breathe. I had help in the form of court-mandated 50-50 custody. It’s amazing what childcare and a good income can do for your writing and your well-being. Everyone should experience that. It should not be a luxury. But it did occur to me while I was writing this book that this is what men get all the time. Writing this book felt like a furious kind of joy and I hope that’s what reading it feels like.

Order the book.

How did you handle writing about real people in your life? Did you use real or changed names and identifying details? Did you run passages or the whole book by people who appear in the narrative? Did you make changes they requested?

I come from a large family. I am one of eight children. And I know that telling a story is like reflecting the sun with a piece of broken glass, you are only seeing part of the light. And that’s okay. When I was younger, I used to worry that my siblings would be so angry at me for writing the truth of our lives. I was worried I would get it wrong. I would send some of them passages of my work and worry and fret about them feeling exploited. But once my brother Zach told me that I had a right to tell my truth and my story, even if it wasn’t his. That set me free.

I have a right to my memories and my experiences. I try to be accurate, but I do not keep secrets for others. I won’t gaslight myself and I will not bend and contort my narrative to make other people comfortable. Now, I make sure that my sister who was the victim always has agency or the last say over what I write. But honestly, she’s the most supportive. She’s gone through so many fact checks and legal reviews at this point that she’s really funny when she replies. I have another sister who has asked me not to use her full name or her kids' names (I never use my kids names or my niblings names).  But beyond that, my story is my story to tell.

It’s amazing what childcare and a good income can do for your writing and your well-being. Everyone should experience that. It should not be a luxury. But it did occur to me while I was writing this book that this is what men get all the time.

Who is another writer you took inspiration from in producing this book? Was it a specific book, or their whole body of work?

I wanted this book to feel old school in its fury and its joy. I wanted it to be Nora Ephron meets Betty Friedan. So, I read a lot of Betty Friedan and Norah Ephron while writing it. I also read Simone de Beauvoir, Shulamith Firestone, and Ellen Willis. God, I love Ellis Willis. I read bell hooks and the work of the Combahee River Collective. I do think we don’t appropriately respect second-wave feminists enough. They were doing the work. I went back and read and re-read a lot of their work as I wrote this book. I also read Deborah Levy and Dolly Alderton.

What advice would you give to aspiring writers looking to publish a book like yours, who are maybe afraid, or intimidated by the process?

There is so much in the world that uses fear to silence you. Don’t comply. Don’t capitulate to the forces that would rather have you hide. Do the work. Do your work. Do it boldly and without fear. I believe in the power of the narrative voice as provisional self. I don that voice whenever I am worried; it gives me the courage to say what I need to say. Even if Lyz the person is afraid, Lyz the writer is bold.

What do you love about writing?

I was homeschooled growing up. And I’ve always loved losing myself in a topic, anything from Gretchen Carlson’s workout routine when she was competing in pageants, to the Mary Celeste. I love that writing gives me a chance to learn so much about the world. It gives me an excuse to go places and talk to people and peel back the epidermis of this place and the culture we live in. It’s like one big puzzle I’m putting together all the time.

What frustrates you about writing?

Pitching stories. I simply believe I should be given a million dollars each year to write whatever I want. Unfortunately, that is not the case. So, we soldier on.

What about writing surprises you?

The way words and stories connect with people. I really think a lot about who reads my work and why. I consider the conversation I have with my audience an important part of my work. And I’m always surprised and delighted when I can connect with people.

My brother Zach told me that I had a right to tell my truth and my story, even if it wasn’t his. That set me free…I have a right to my memories and my experiences. I try to be accurate, but I do not keep secrets for others. I won’t gaslight myself and I will not bend and contort my narrative to make other people comfortable.

Does your writing practice involve any kind of routine, or writing at specific times?

I am a single mom and my life looks different every year. So I used to write only at night after my kids were in bed. Then, I wrote in the early mornings. Now they are older and able to be left alone so, I write during normal times. I do try to set aside Tuesdays and Thursdays as my writing days. And it’s admin and billing and email on the other days. I would love a life where I wake up, take long leisurely runs, then sit down with a pot of coffee and write until 3pm then quit for the day. But then, I’d miss my kids. There will be time enough for that at another season in life.

Do you engage in any other creative pursuits, professionally or for fun? Are there non-writing activities do you consider to be “writing” or supportive of your process?

I run and lift weights. I find my runs to be necessary to find quiet in my mind and think through topics and ideas. I have two dogs and I like to take the big one for long walks and listen to audiobooks. My daughter is a swimmer so I love going to her meets. I love having dinner with friends and hosting parties. For a while, I got really into performing at stand up comedy open-mic nights. I should do that again.

What’s next for you? Do you have another book planned, or in the works?

I always have another book planned.

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Check out all the interviews in The Memoir Land Author Questionnaire series.