An excerpt of "What My Father and I Don't Talk About: Sixteen Writers Break the Silence." PLUS a video interview with Michele Filgate, editor of the anthology.
Thanks for that very personal history lesson, Joanna. When my mom died, the crematorium asked my brother if he’d like to have a genetic analysis done on her remains. He said “sure.” A few weeks later the results came back: She was one quarter Ashkenazi. So three generations back, one of my maternal great grandparents was likely Jewish, probably fleeing some kind of hell and settling in Germany (!) with an invented identity. And after a lifetime imagining myself as WASPy as they come, I realized that I’m 1/16th Jewish. The secret persisted until DNA analysis exposed it. Secrecy is a rotten foundation for a family. Personally I think that makes my background more interesting, but I have the luxury to be a little bit Jewish and not die because of it.
Beautiful story. For some reason, I keep replaying a therapy session my mother agreed to go to with me and my sister, in which she said, "I don't know why you girls want to keep bringing up the past. Can't we focus on the future?" Her past was the devastating loss of two of her four children, and my sister and I's past was the devastating silence around the loss of our siblings. And then I wonder what my kids will want to go to therapy about. What am I not talking about that's harming them?
What a beautiful piece of writing, Joanna. Descriptive scenes that played out before my eyes.
I think that every family has secrets of some type or another, using them as a protective measure between family members and as a protection against people outside the familial setting.
Such secrets can be a burden for the carrier and for the ones in the know; your mother's secret must've been a burden for her, transmitted to your father, who then shared it with you. And continued to be a burden until it came full circle and your mother shared her secret with you.
So glad that you have eased that possible burden by writing such a wonderful personal essay, and sharing your secrets and your memories.
Thanks for that very personal history lesson, Joanna. When my mom died, the crematorium asked my brother if he’d like to have a genetic analysis done on her remains. He said “sure.” A few weeks later the results came back: She was one quarter Ashkenazi. So three generations back, one of my maternal great grandparents was likely Jewish, probably fleeing some kind of hell and settling in Germany (!) with an invented identity. And after a lifetime imagining myself as WASPy as they come, I realized that I’m 1/16th Jewish. The secret persisted until DNA analysis exposed it. Secrecy is a rotten foundation for a family. Personally I think that makes my background more interesting, but I have the luxury to be a little bit Jewish and not die because of it.
Peter, that is so fascinating, on so many levels! Did learning this make you think differently about yourself? Or your mom?
Beautiful story. For some reason, I keep replaying a therapy session my mother agreed to go to with me and my sister, in which she said, "I don't know why you girls want to keep bringing up the past. Can't we focus on the future?" Her past was the devastating loss of two of her four children, and my sister and I's past was the devastating silence around the loss of our siblings. And then I wonder what my kids will want to go to therapy about. What am I not talking about that's harming them?
What a beautiful piece of writing, Joanna. Descriptive scenes that played out before my eyes.
I think that every family has secrets of some type or another, using them as a protective measure between family members and as a protection against people outside the familial setting.
Such secrets can be a burden for the carrier and for the ones in the know; your mother's secret must've been a burden for her, transmitted to your father, who then shared it with you. And continued to be a burden until it came full circle and your mother shared her secret with you.
So glad that you have eased that possible burden by writing such a wonderful personal essay, and sharing your secrets and your memories.
Such beautiful storytelling and sharing your important story, Joanna! You connect us with what matters and inspire us to think and feel❤️
How twisted this story is! And how wonderful you can write it as you do. I'm glad you had your self-invented father. He loved you.
PS I think we need to invent ourselves in order to reach our centers.