Thanks for this post, Sari. This is such an important topic. Many years ago I took a memoir-writing workshop with a well-known author. I was in the very early stages of drafting and like you, anxious at the prospect of writing about family and friends. I asked this author how it felt to include a scene in their memoir in which a family member makes a not-so-flattering appearance. The author's response? "F**k 'em!" I was floored. Because there was no way I could follow that advice. And my memoir-in-progress isn't a "tell all." Nobody gets trashed. And yet. People can get upset about the smallest things. So I decided, no surprises; everyone gets to see what I've written about them before it's published. If that's not possible, names/details are changed as much as possible. When it comes to family/friends versus writer, the former wins.
Yes, absolutely! It's the stuff you'd never think twice about. And btw, Istiaq, odd coincidence: one of the three More Modern Loves "promoted" at the bottom of your beautiful ML piece...is mine!
Fortunately (or unfortunately) for me, I have nobody to get upset about my "tell all," besides myself. For me, truth is the most important purpose, and I feel free to tell everything about my life, even the most unflattering episodes. (Of corse, not trashy.) And freedom gives you inspiration to write.
I started writing creatively (memoir essays) 7 years ago when I turned fifty. I had no platform, no brand; I could therefore start on a blank page, so to speak. So I write to this day with a pen name. I have 2 lives that overlap, but not by much (except, of course, in my writing). This is so liberating to me as a writer of memoir. I don't name very many names, but I can write freely in any case. I've always, however, tried to write memoir that "reveals more about me than anyone else." That, I think, is a great way to think about the challenge of writing about other people. I'm so happy your family embraced your memoir!
I considered publishing under a pen name, but I spent so many years building a platform for my own name, and it made me mad to think I had to start all over again.
Thanks for this post, Sari. This is such an important topic. Many years ago I took a memoir-writing workshop with a well-known author. I was in the very early stages of drafting and like you, anxious at the prospect of writing about family and friends. I asked this author how it felt to include a scene in their memoir in which a family member makes a not-so-flattering appearance. The author's response? "F**k 'em!" I was floored. Because there was no way I could follow that advice. And my memoir-in-progress isn't a "tell all." Nobody gets trashed. And yet. People can get upset about the smallest things. So I decided, no surprises; everyone gets to see what I've written about them before it's published. If that's not possible, names/details are changed as much as possible. When it comes to family/friends versus writer, the former wins.
Wow, that writing instructor. Harsh. Glad you’re figuring out what will work for your memoir.
"People can get upset about the smallest things"
I've found this to be true and it's also some of the most unexpected things.
Yes, absolutely! It's the stuff you'd never think twice about. And btw, Istiaq, odd coincidence: one of the three More Modern Loves "promoted" at the bottom of your beautiful ML piece...is mine!
Fortunately (or unfortunately) for me, I have nobody to get upset about my "tell all," besides myself. For me, truth is the most important purpose, and I feel free to tell everything about my life, even the most unflattering episodes. (Of corse, not trashy.) And freedom gives you inspiration to write.
I started writing creatively (memoir essays) 7 years ago when I turned fifty. I had no platform, no brand; I could therefore start on a blank page, so to speak. So I write to this day with a pen name. I have 2 lives that overlap, but not by much (except, of course, in my writing). This is so liberating to me as a writer of memoir. I don't name very many names, but I can write freely in any case. I've always, however, tried to write memoir that "reveals more about me than anyone else." That, I think, is a great way to think about the challenge of writing about other people. I'm so happy your family embraced your memoir!
I considered publishing under a pen name, but I spent so many years building a platform for my own name, and it made me mad to think I had to start all over again.
Love this Sari, so honest and encouraging!
Thanks, Frances. <3