"As someone who teaches memoir, it’s probably the biggest issue that I see: writers, almost always women, who don’t believe that they have the right to create because of secrets and shame."
I love reading an essay just when I need what it says! I sometimes feel I need permission from the dead for essays I’m writing, which is strange and impossible. I’ve also been writing a lot lately about why librarians fight to keep banned books in their collections (it’s Banned Books Week now and I’m a former high school librarian). In going back over the YA memoir “Shout” by Laurie Halse Anderson, I found this: “My father gave me these guidelines. We must be gentle with the living but the dead own their truth and are fearless. So I’ve written honestly about the challenges my parents faced, and how their struggles affected me.” Perhaps thinking this way will help others.
Thank you for this. I believe grievers need to tell their stories to make sense of their loss. Who we share it with then becomes the question and often quest. It can be so healing and transformative and then we bump up against to share or not to share. I love this interview.
Sometimes the right piece comes along at the right time. A nearly eight year memoir project has plagued my writing ambitions because of the fear of how my family will react. These are good questions to ask of myself and consideration of expectations should I seek to publish. I’ve struggled with the question of permission throughout the process fully expecting the divides already there will widen and force my complete expulsion. This piece helps to clarify where I am.
I learned so much reading this, and am so looking forward to the book - and to taking a class from Elissa. I am just beginning to see how she unpacks permission, and it is illuminating. Thank you for publishing this Sari!
Permission to tell my story for this former foster girl has always been layered with complication. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to become the author of one’s own story. Having read all of your previous books I am looking forward to Permission.
Your Aunt's behavior was profoundly cruel. Really astounding. I say good for you Elissa for telling the whole story. I am sorry for your suffering. I took went through something similar in my own family. People really do show you who they are when things get said.
I love peeking into writer’s brains! I’m an afternoon writer too and it took me while to make peace with this. Doesn’t a “real” writer get to her desk at 6 am with a cup of coffee and a mind full of fabulous sentences? Thank you Elissa! I love your work. Many of the writers you name as inspirations person my list too.
Elissa, what you write is so important. I'm a world away from you geographically and in life experience and personality - but the whole thing about permission scars me too. I think it underlies everything in life, for women. Thank you for crystallising it all.
Poor Man's Feast is one of my favorite books of all time, so I'm primed to listen to and respect every word Altman writes.
In this case, however, where we're writing about family and divulging secrets in the name of memoir. I believe we DO need permission. Maybe I'm missing the nuance, as it seems Altman checked in with some family members to get facts straight and affirm remembrances. Sure, we all have our versions of what happened and why, but if we're putting them out into the public sphere, I think we should run the story by those who may be hurt by it.
Yes, I'm female, yes, men may not think like this, and no, this is not a liability.
That's such a great piece, thanks for reminding me (and others) to re-read it. I always wanted to write my memoir -- Mediocre Whilte Males and the Women Who Worked for Them -- but decided against it after reading your post. LOL!!
This is the rare sort of strong sharing that gets printed up, placed by the bed for a couple of months for late night/early morning check-ins, gets its own file, and will be remembered and most likely quoted from when I write my extended family who DO know I am writing a book but not quite EVERYTHING I am including, but I plan to share the whole shebang as the book (one day, hopefully) goes to press, so they can look for those things with which they might not agree, but know about and expect them. Thanks to Elissa and Sari.
I love reading an essay just when I need what it says! I sometimes feel I need permission from the dead for essays I’m writing, which is strange and impossible. I’ve also been writing a lot lately about why librarians fight to keep banned books in their collections (it’s Banned Books Week now and I’m a former high school librarian). In going back over the YA memoir “Shout” by Laurie Halse Anderson, I found this: “My father gave me these guidelines. We must be gentle with the living but the dead own their truth and are fearless. So I’ve written honestly about the challenges my parents faced, and how their struggles affected me.” Perhaps thinking this way will help others.
These interviews are usually quite inspiring to me but I found this one especially poignant and helpful. Thank you Sari Botton and Elissa Altman!
Thank you for this. I believe grievers need to tell their stories to make sense of their loss. Who we share it with then becomes the question and often quest. It can be so healing and transformative and then we bump up against to share or not to share. I love this interview.
Sometimes the right piece comes along at the right time. A nearly eight year memoir project has plagued my writing ambitions because of the fear of how my family will react. These are good questions to ask of myself and consideration of expectations should I seek to publish. I’ve struggled with the question of permission throughout the process fully expecting the divides already there will widen and force my complete expulsion. This piece helps to clarify where I am.
I learned so much reading this, and am so looking forward to the book - and to taking a class from Elissa. I am just beginning to see how she unpacks permission, and it is illuminating. Thank you for publishing this Sari!
💕
Permission to tell my story for this former foster girl has always been layered with complication. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to become the author of one’s own story. Having read all of your previous books I am looking forward to Permission.
"Sometimes it takes a lifetime to become the author of one’s own story." - 100%
Your Aunt's behavior was profoundly cruel. Really astounding. I say good for you Elissa for telling the whole story. I am sorry for your suffering. I took went through something similar in my own family. People really do show you who they are when things get said.
I love peeking into writer’s brains! I’m an afternoon writer too and it took me while to make peace with this. Doesn’t a “real” writer get to her desk at 6 am with a cup of coffee and a mind full of fabulous sentences? Thank you Elissa! I love your work. Many of the writers you name as inspirations person my list too.
I cannot wait to read PERMISSION. Thank you, Sari, and thank you, Elissa, for this questionnaire that I plan to read more than once.
Elissa, what you write is so important. I'm a world away from you geographically and in life experience and personality - but the whole thing about permission scars me too. I think it underlies everything in life, for women. Thank you for crystallising it all.
Poor Man's Feast is one of my favorite books of all time, so I'm primed to listen to and respect every word Altman writes.
In this case, however, where we're writing about family and divulging secrets in the name of memoir. I believe we DO need permission. Maybe I'm missing the nuance, as it seems Altman checked in with some family members to get facts straight and affirm remembrances. Sure, we all have our versions of what happened and why, but if we're putting them out into the public sphere, I think we should run the story by those who may be hurt by it.
Yes, I'm female, yes, men may not think like this, and no, this is not a liability.
Thanks, Bette. There are lots of different philosophies around writing about others. Here's a piece I wrote about it: https://memoirland.substack.com/p/howafter-15-yearsi-stopped-panicking-c15
That's such a great piece, thanks for reminding me (and others) to re-read it. I always wanted to write my memoir -- Mediocre Whilte Males and the Women Who Worked for Them -- but decided against it after reading your post. LOL!!
Thank you! And Lol!
This is the rare sort of strong sharing that gets printed up, placed by the bed for a couple of months for late night/early morning check-ins, gets its own file, and will be remembered and most likely quoted from when I write my extended family who DO know I am writing a book but not quite EVERYTHING I am including, but I plan to share the whole shebang as the book (one day, hopefully) goes to press, so they can look for those things with which they might not agree, but know about and expect them. Thanks to Elissa and Sari.